The haphazard commentary on my everyday existence

The End of Our Journey

2011-03-18T23:08:00.001-05:00

We have reached the end of our journey on this path. I miscarried this past Wednesday morning at about 14 weeks gestation. I spent the whole day at the hospital and was finally able to go home after a D&C. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant this last time. The doctors can't find a cause, but obviously there's something wrong that science can't explain yet. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am forever done being pregnant after going through this 6 times. Just like with Garrett, it was following an extended vacation where I was homesick the whole time. The doctors assured us the traveling and vacation have nothing to do with it, but I don't know when I'll be able to go back to New Orleans as this was our vacation spot prior to two losses we suffered after vacationing.

We now focus on healing and learning how to start a new path with an unexpected and final family of three.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dare I say giddy?

2011-02-01T13:42:00.001-06:00

So I was looking in the mirror this morning (enjoying the scrumptious snow day) noticing the slight baby bump that is just now becoming visible, and I had this moment that felt (for lack of a better word) like an epiphany. I realized that there is a living baby (with a heartbeat) growing in my belly, and I felt down right giddy!

That feeling took me by surprise, but I revealed in it for a few moments before coming back down to earth. I'm glad I allowed myself to feel happy about the pregnancy for a bit, but it does feel scary to allow too much of that! I fear getting too attached to the pregnancy just to have it all snatch away again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Corn flake with a heartbeat!

2011-01-31T19:35:00.000-06:00

Rice crispy sized baby...

2011-01-18T12:55:00.000-06:00

Here is a picture of the ultrasound from yesterday. Thought it'd be fun to share!

First Ultrasound

2011-01-17T17:19:00.001-06:00

We had our first ultrasound today. I was nervous going in but not really sure why. I knew there'd be only one of two outcomes (heartbeat or not), and I was fine with both.

Turns out there is a heartbeat for our lil rice crispy and everything is looking normal.

I have been doing the blood thinner injections for about 2 weeks now. They were difficult the first couple times, but a piece of cake now. It does sting and causes bruising sometimes, but they're not too bad once you get used to it.

So everything is right on track so far. I can't say I feel comforted by that fact, but I'm also ok with whichever outcome we have. It's hard to feel excited about something when you don't know what's going to happen, and we may not actually feel happy until we are holding a healthy, live baby in our arms at the end of it. I do know for a fact that this will be that last time I'm pregnant regardless of the outcome!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

O.M.G...

2011-01-01T17:13:00.001-06:00

Thursday evening, I was so proud of myself for making the P90X commitment and making it (sore but at least walking - barely) through day two. And then I got a positive result on a pregnancy test that same evening. Now I'll have to wait to pick it up again - which is rather irritating.

I had been suspecting something was up for the previous couple days because I was so dang irritable (which is really only an understatement). After realizing I was a day "late" (which always has a day or two wiggle room) I finally broke down and purchased a test and sure enough it was positive. It has been almost a year since I was pregnant last - a rather odd thought.

What does that mean now? Not sure at this point. I only know that there is no known outcome from all this. Based on my past experiences, I know what is likely to happen. I'm only thinking so far ahead to the phone call I need to make to the dr on Monday. Whatever the outcome, I've already decided that I'm getting fixed after all this. I'm not interested in going through this self-inflicted torture again. I'm not even letting myself hope for a baby at the end of all this yet, but I was growing rather fond of my newfound freedom again after 6 yrs. Either way though, I know we'll manage with flying colors.

I realized last night on New Year's Eve (while I was functioning as a rather convenient designated driver by the way) that this baby was spontaneously conceived in love under the light of the lunar eclipse that happened a few weeks ago on the winter solstice. The pagans believe that the full moon symbolizes fertility, and while I don't believe in all that stuff that fact is one beautiful facet to all this that absolutely warms my heart.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

100th Post!

2010-07-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

I'm sure more of my regular visitors have noticed that I haven't blogged in a while. We've been taking a break from the whole TTC thing, and I really haven't had anything interesting to blog about. I hate that my last post was such a downer, so I think it's fitting that this 100th post have some defined closure with a hopeful and upbeat tone. I may blog here and there as thoughts or events occur, but certainly nothing regular.

I've been on a pretty even keel recently in regards to our family situation. I'm actually getting to the point that I'm thinking I don't want anymore babies of my own. I don't know if this is just me rationalizing what I can't have to myself. But Savannah is starting to be able to do more and more things on her own now-a-days. She has even gotten to the point where she can brush and floss her teeth and can even wash her own hair (with a little supervision). It's fantastic! She'll be taking out the garbage and doing laundry and dishes before we know it! I keep thinking how exhausting it would be to start over with another little one. In fact, I mentioned all this to Kevin the other day and he was in agreement that if we don't have a baby in the next couple years or sooner we'll be done with this chapter in our lives.

Funny thing is we went to see Despicable Me later that day. It's a heart-warming story about an evil villain who haphazardly ends up adopting three orphaned girls who worm their way into his heart. It got me thinking. Why couldn't we just skip the baby stage and adopt a child that was 3 or 4? My need to nurture is so great that I know I would love this child as my own. There are of course many things to consider with this option, but the most important concern is would Kevin learn to love this child as his own as well? I think that's essential for the complete well-being of the child to feel truly accepted as a member of the family. Anything less would be an injustice.

I mentioned the idea to Kevin. He has not wanted to consider adoption up to this point but promised to reconsider his feelings on the matter if there is no chance for him to have further biological children. I'm no longer sure what to expect in the future, but despite my desires I am beginning to learn how to be content with what I have now.

Emotional! Arggg!

2010-04-24T07:51:00.000-05:00

I'm having an emotional time this morning remembering the babies we lost and grieving over the other members of our family that we will probably never have. The intensity of the emotions has surprised me. Trying to remember to be happy with what we have is proving to be especially hard this morning...

-- Post From My iPhone

Learning to live a worry-free life

2010-04-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

My pre-menopausal state has apparently decided to manifest itself physically. I knew it would happen eventually and sooner rather than later, but less than a month after getting the news? I'm on day 38 of my cycle, and no, I'm not pregnant. Spoke with my doctor yesterday, and if I didn't have a positive urine pregnancy test this morning then I'm not pregnant, so I'm not pregnant... I'm supposed to call back if I go two months without a period.

I know I said I'm happy with our family like it is, but do you sometimes find yourself saying something if only to convince yourself? Maybe if I say it over and over, I'll eventually believe it...

I was really irritable this past weekend. At first I wasn't sure why. I was short and snippy with Kevin, and we were quarreling over silly little things. And then I realized that there was something that had my mind preoccupied. The loss of my friend's daughter really shook me up. I couldn't help wondering what if we lost Savannah? Other children would never replace the ones you lost, but it does soften the blow. But we CAN'T have more kids to soften that fearful blow. I'm so very happy and proud of my child but I DO want more. I find myself being scared with the idea that we may be left with no children.

I told myself that I'm not going to monitor anything anymore. If we get pregnant, I will probably miscarry anyway. But I was hoping I was pregnant this time. I was hoping that we would someday accidentally get pregnant and miraculously keep the pregnancy to term and have a living, healthy baby at the end. I was hoping for our happy ending. But this pre-menopausal cycle has reminded me that that isn't likely and probably not possible.

I feel the need to come to terms with my family the way it is - to be happy with what I have. But no, I'm not at peace yet. I am grieving over the family that I envisioned, and it is a process I haven't completed yet.

Everyone keeps telling me stress can play a factor in your cycle. Maybe the grief is interfering with it. My fear is that I'm in a perpetual state of stress that I don't even know what non-stress feels like. I want to learn how to live a worry-free life. I want to learn to be happy with what I have now.

Extra hugs

2010-04-14T21:19:00.002-05:00

Tuesday evening I learned that an old friend of mine from junior high lost (I think unexpectedly) his 4 year old daughter due to undiagnosed brain swelling, and learning this has really weighed heavy on me the last couple days. I've not been on the helpless end of a tragedy since we've been on the hurting end of our tragedies, but I think it's affected me so much because I can relate so closely to the pain I know that family is feeling right now. It feels so wrong when a child dies.

I spoke to him earlier today for the first time in 12 years, and I thought about all the things I wanted to tell him to help him and his family through this dark time. I was nervous about calling, but I decided to because I know just offering words of condolences can be a comfort in and of themselves. I wanted to say that people will inadvertently say some insensitive things, but to try to look past their words to their intentions. I wanted to tell him about the anger he will feel but to try to not let it turn into bitterness. I wanted to tell him about the surreal emptiness that is just too painful to fully comprehend at first but will ease its grip over time. I wanted to tell him that the mornings when you are alone with your thoughts will be the hardest time of the day. I wanted to tell him that grieving is an individual journey that each person does at their own pace and in their own way and to be gentle and patient with each other. I wanted to tell him above all that it's so important to do the work of grief.

But I didn't mention any of those things. These are all lessons he and his wife will have to learn on their journey, and that saddens me. I told him there's not much I can say to make it better, it will be hard, and I'm so sorry they have to go through this.

Even before hearing this news, I've thought about what would happen if we lost Savannah. I look at all the pictures she draws, and I keep the special ones for memories. I'll see something that's completely unique to her like a strand of her curly hair, a dried out marker, a cheap little silly toy that she enjoys playing with; and I'll leave it where it is - just in case I need it to remind me of her later. But more specifically, it's times like these that remind me to cherish the loved ones in our lives because we never know if we might not have them with us anymore. Tonight I made sure to give my little girl extra hugs because I can.

End of the journey

2010-04-08T13:46:00.001-05:00

So, I think we made it to the end of our infertility journey, and it is bittersweet. I say "I think" because you never know what cogs will get thrown into your wheel of a plan. But based on our current circumstances, "I think" we're done.

I wrote earlier that I had decided to stop stressing about all this fertility stuff and just let it play out as it would. Well, I've taken it a step further and I think I'm done playing it out.

After coming to the realization that IVF could cost substantially more than we initially bargained for, I told Kevin that the ball is in his court. I'm not going to bring it up again. It has always been a higher priority to Kevin to have two sons, and I told him he has to figure out how much it's worth to him. I'll go along for the ride, but I'm mentally tired of rehashing my history for 2nd and 3rd and 4th opinions (which never are in concurrance anyway). I'll show up for blood draws and exams and procedures if he wants to pursue anything, but any other options will have to explored and initiated by him. I'm done.

It saddens me that Savannah will be an only child, and it's sad that we didn't end up with the family we initially set out to create, but I feel liberated. This is a peaceful place to be. I don't need to plan for more children, and we can fully focus all our energy and attention on our one living, healthy child and move forward with our family as we know it now.

I've been thinking about writing a book of fiction loosely based on our own pregnancy loss circumstances. I wondered to myself how I would end it - happy with the magical rainbow baby or sad without the triumphant live birth. But I came to the realization that this too is a happy ending even though it has been touched by tradgedy (whose story hasn't been touched by sadness in some way?) It is a happy ending because I am at peace with the beautiful family I have helped create and am a part of.

-- Post From My iPhone

40 year old ovaries

2010-03-30T16:39:00.001-05:00

I just found out I have the ovaries of a 40 year old even though I'm only 30. I spoke with our infertility doctor today and my day 3 labs came back. My inhibin B and estrogen are on the low side with numbers indicating perimenopausal. However, my doctor said we are only at a "yellow light" right now as far as ovarian reserve because my FSH was normal.

I mentioned to my doctor that there isn't a history of early menopause in my family as far as I know, but he said that the abruption or heavy bleeding from it could have caused me to loose a lot of eggs. I don't know if I had heavy bleeding from the abruption. He asked if I needed a transfusion, but I didn't. I do know that I had heavy bleeding with this last miscarriage.

Maybe my ovaries are just plum tuckered out after all this drama. Apparently my uterus is up for the task even though it's been through hell and back, why aren't my stupid ovaries?! All they have to do is release eggs, it's the uterus that has to do all the heavy lifting! Come on girls, get it together! Anyway, back on topic...

Because of my hyperactive natural killer cells, he also wants to order a DQ Alpha test for both me and Kevin to test genetic similarity (which insurance also does not cover). My doctor says it's rare, but if the DNA of a couple is too similar, the woman's body will reject the pregnancy (this happens in nature to prevent things like offspring from incest and such, ya know...) I asked a few questions about what it would mean if we were too similar, and there are options, but it would complicate things a lot. We'll explore that path if we need to. It stresses me out too much to think about it right now. It would however offer an explanation for all the unexplained problems we've had (stillbirth, abruption, miscarriages).

It just seems to me like this story is getting worse and worse. I got off the phone today feeling really discouraged. I really really want more kids and to have at least one living sibling for Savannah, but I really want to be done with all this soon. Apparently, my ovaries want to be done with all this soon too. Do you hear that noise? Is that a clock ticking? Lemme go find out where that's coming from...

Rebirth of the seasons

2010-03-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

Last Wednesday, March 24th was Garrett's one year birthday. I would have posted earlier about it, but I've been super busy since then. I'm still super busy. In fact, I'm always super busy. But I figured if I let more time go by it would cease to be relevant, and I would forget the emotions I was experiencing. So here I am making time.

Garrett's birthday also happens to coincide with Kevin's birthday. That makes it especially tough. I mentioned this to Kevin before his birthday to find out if he wanted to do anything to commemorate the event, but he doesn't want the sadness of the event to make others uncomfortable when they are trying to celebrate his birthday. So I decided to have my little pity party all by myself. I allowed myself time to be alone with my emotions so that I could deal with them and then have the ability to focus on Kevin without allowing the sadness of Garrett's birth to overshadow Kevin's birthday. That strategy seemed to work well.

I took some time away from everyone and looked over old pictures and videos of our little guy. I had myself a good cry and then treated myself to lunch with my husband. I had a lot of people tell me that they can't believe it's already been a year, but I keep thinking to myself, "It's only been a year?!" It seems longer to me! It seems like I'm moving in slow motion trying to reach our goal. To say we've had a lot happen in the past year is an understatement.

We're also approaching the anniversary of Garrett's death. I'm finding this to be even more difficult as things keep bringing me back to the events and emotions surrounding it. Although the circumstance of his birth is tragic, it was characterized by emotions that were not altogether sad. Certainly fear was associated with it, but there was that time of uncertainty tinged with cautious optimism because he was born alive. But his death on the other hand is only characterized by sadness.

Garrett's death was on April 7th, but the memorial service just happened to coincide with Easter Sunday. All the things that we do for Easter and in the Spring bring me back to that time. My family is coming in to celebrate Savannah's birthday which is April 2nd. They will also be here for Easter Sunday, and it seems like deja vu in a way.

This past weekend I cleaned out the little memorial garden that my parents and I made for Sierra and Garrett, and it brought back all those memories and emotions when we were creating it for them. Spring and the associated rebirth of the seasons used to be a time that reminded me of life and vitality and optimism, but it's seeming to have the opposite effect on me this year. Can I hope for a time when this change of season doesn't seem so dark?

Natural Killer Cells and moving on

2010-03-16T14:00:00.002-05:00

I spoke with the RE this morning, and apparently I tested positive for hyperactive Natural Killer Cells. Based on the research I did online there is some controversy surrounding this diagnosis, but based on his school of thought he feels this is causing the early miscarriages.

The theory is that these hyperactive natural killer cells (or a type of white blood cells) are attacking the embryo. If the embryo is able to grow large enough, it can "defend" itself. So this does not explain the stillbirth or abruption. The doctor explained that there are no other tests we can do where we can find a cause for those. He assured me that I will be closely monitored during my pregnancy, but that doesn't give me much assurance considering the circumstances.

Successful pregnancies can be had with the hyperactive NKC because one can become more sensitive with repeat "exposures" hence the reason why we would be having a problem with miscarriages now when I've never had a problem before.

If we decide to continue to try naturally with no treatment, we have about a 4% chance of having a successful pregnancy. However, if we decide to do IVF with intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG) therapy to treat the NKC, we have about a 60% chance of having a successful pregnancy. We can't do the IVIG therapy without IVF because they are supposed to give the first infusion two weeks before you're pregnant. If you don't do IVF, the timing is unpredictable.

Even though this is just one diagnosis, I feel this is a lot to take in. We've found a cause for the the early miscarriages, but it has essentially eliminated our option for trying naturally. I wanted to have the option to try naturally before or after our IVF attempt in case it didn't work.

It also hasn't given us an explanation for Sierra or Garrett. I'm apprehensive about paying for IVF with the thought in mind that we could loose the pregnancy later on. However, I'd rather have the bill and have tried and failed than not have tried at all. At least then we're not stuck with "what if's".

With all this in mind, I've decided to change my perspective on things - if only to manage my stress level surrounding all this. I've decided to move forward with the assumption that we may never have anymore children. If the expectation is set, then I can't be let down. I read on the clinic's website that the sensitivity I've developed is more the exception than the rule - usually women who have this are not able to have any children because they start off with this sensitivity. We beat the odds once, and maybe we already had our little "rainbow" baby that some couples try for years and never succeed at.

After I came to this decision, I felt instantly lighter like some weight had been lifted from my metaphorical shoulders. I know this is probably just a coping mechanism, but I know this is the right way to deal with it for me. I've allowed myself to move on and not worry and stress about it anymore.

I would like to continue to try as long as we can afford it and have the health to do so, but I'm going in with the assumption that it may not work and we may never have any more children. And if it succeeds, then we'll be pleasantly surprised. We may only end up being stuck with the bill, but at least we can say we tried, and most importantly we can be thankful for our one living healthy child.

New OB consult appointment...

2010-03-11T14:14:00.002-06:00

I had my consult appointment today with my new OB. She is in agreement with the RE that we don't want to treat my pregnancy loss history with blood thinners unless there is something to treat. She doesn't think the MTHFR mutation that I have is one that requires treatment. She said she's seen patients with similar history who want to be preventatively treated for anything that could possibly go wrong, and she commended me on my rational approach for only seeking treatment for problems I've been diagnosed with. Unfortunately, we haven't located the problem so there's nothing to treat yet...

She says all that in one breath, but she still wants me to stay on the low-dose aspirin and Folbic (super high dose folic acid). It's funny because I'm the one that mentioned those drugs to my last doctors based on things I read online. I wonder if this doctor would have even considered it if I wasn't already on it. Do you ever feel like you're your own doctor sometimes? Anyway...

I mentioned my classical c-section scar to her and the possibility of twins with IVF. She agrees that having twins will put extra stress on the scar but is not enough to prevent our IVF attempts. She outlined some of the major risks with having twins such as pre-term labor and pre-eclampsia that may require bed rest and premature birth. She would prefer that I only carry one baby at a time because a singleton is generally less risky, but there's not a whole lot of control we have over that. If we get twins with our IVF attempts, then we'll deal with it. If we only have one or none in there, then we'll deal with that too.

As long as my pap smear comes back normal (which I don't foresee a problem with that *knock on wood*), then we will receive the green light for IVF. We will then have the privilege of paying a boat-load of money for the use of technology to try to conceive the gender of our choosing.

So now we go back to the waiting game... (If I were a news broadcaster, that'd be my signature sign off...)

Label change, aisle three...

2010-03-04T14:46:00.005-06:00

I've been walking around the last couple days since our appointment with the RE on Tuesday with a very odd feeling. I can't quite place it. This whole experience seems really surreal to me.

We've been talking about IVF and pricing and the steps required to get to that point, and we seem to be going full steam ahead with tests and procedures and new doctors, but it's giving me some anxiety to think that we're going to be a proud owner of a loan in the same range of a decent car whether we have a baby at the end of this or not! I had a hard time buying a $400 dresser, and there is a lot more at stake with this transaction! It's taking me a little bit to adjust to being out of my comfort zone finance wise.

I also never thought I'd be a woman who would need to meet with an infertility specialist. We don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but obviously something is wrong (not sure what yet) where we need the expertise from this field. I was talking with the financial counselor at the clinic to get pricing and such, and she told me that once you meet with an RE, you pretty much get the label of "infertility".

I guess that's what's been bothering me recently. I almost feel as if I'm grieving for my "fertile status". I've always associated infertility with IVF for reasons that go without saying. I don't exactly need IVF to conceive, but I do need it for my mental and physical well being. In other words I need it to keep my sanity and spare my fractured back so we can limit the number of future pregnancies we have for the amount of children we want.

Before we had Savannah when we first started talking about having kids, I had that fear in the back of my mind, "what if we have problems". But we didn't have problems (at first), and I thought we were going to be safe from all the horrors of struggling with infertility. Then we had our first loss, and then another, and then we lost two more pregnancies early on. I still felt I could hang onto my "fertile status" because we could get pregnant so easily. I felt and still feel like there's something wrong with me, but I still knew I was fertile. Now that perception is changing within myself. I know it's just a label, and I'm not one that likes labels generally speaking, but these things do help us organize things better in our minds. So now I feel that I've finally made the change from fertile to infertile, and it's kinda sad and weird.

Update: I forgot to also mention that I have a general sense of anticipation and excitement that hopefully this process will end with a living baby in our arms. It seems that this strange feeling that I've had the last couple days is probably a combination of lots of different feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head from eagerness, anxiety, hopefulness, and even grief.

Back at square one with unanswered questions

2010-03-03T11:06:00.000-06:00

We met with the infertility specialist yesterday (also known as an RE or reproductive endocrinologist). I'm really glad we decided to do this; the only regret I have is that I didn't do it earlier.

We were given a lot of information at our consult appointment.

1. My current doctors' diagnosis and treatment plan is wrong for my situation. The MTHFR mutation that I have is heterozygous, and it is on the "benign" gene. The problems I'm having are not related to this mutation. Additionally, if I did have the more dangerous form of this mutation, it is not typically treated with blood thinners. You treat it with 4mg of Folgar which lowers the homocysteine levels. He basically was irritated with my current doctors because they are treating my "history" rather than finding the cause of our problems. A lot of what he was telling me I had already read online. But there is so much contradictory information out there, you really don't have any option but to trust your doctor.

It goes without saying that I will be finding a new OB and perinatologist. In fact, I called this morning to get a referral, and the doctor emailed me himself with his recommendation less than an hour after I called! I was really impressed with how fast he returned my message.

2. We can mostly rule out various factors that cause repeat pregnancy loss, things like genetics (both me and Kevin have already been tested for this), hormonal (I don't exhibit any symptoms of hormonal problems like menstruation problems), environmental factors (I don't smoke), and probably low ovarian reserve since I'm not yet at an advanced maternal age. That leaves a few categories that we can't definitively rule out: uterine lining, immune, and bad luck.

3. He would like to run some additional tests to either find a cause or rule out other factors.

I have an appointment on Wednesday for a procedure to inspect my uterine lining. The doctor thinks the last c-section I had could have caused some scaring which is now causing the early miscarriages. A vertical incision into the uterus especially under emergency conditions can increase your risk for scarring. Apparently, this is easily remedied by removing the scar tissue.

He is also ordering a test (that insurance doesn't cover) that screens for natural killer cells that are too active. Natural killer cells are basically white blood cells that will typically attack anything foreign that enters your body. However if they are too active and don't respond properly to the father's genetic code, they will also attack the embryo causing miscarriage or pregnancy loss later. I'm not sure at this time how this is treated. Probably by lowing your immune system somehow, but that's just a guess.

There is also another immune response that can cause repeat pregnancy loss. This one works by antiphospholipid antibodies reacting to the placenta and creating clots around it thus compromising the pregnancy. These antibodies are present with other immune disorders such as lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, but their presence doesn't mean you have those disorders. This is treated with small amounts of blood thinners to help prevent clots forming. He did not order this test at this time because insurance doesn't cover this one either, but also because we were already screened for this after the first loss. However, the test that was done is not sensitive enough to detect any trace levels of this. However, he thinks that if I did have this, it probably would have shown up with their tests. We will probably go back and do this one if we don't have any answers from the other two tests.

The doctor did say that sometimes you can have a successful pregnancy at first with immune issues because it is like being exposed to an allergen - it's not the first exposure that's the worst, but the severity increases after each exposure.

4. I found out this morning that we have zero coverage for infertility with our current insurance plan. Once a diagnosis is made, we are on our own. I am having a conference call tomorrow morning with the clinic's financial advisor to see how much IVF will cost and if we can even afford it at this time.

5. If we choose to do the IVF, I will also need a perinatologist sign off that I am not at increased risk for carrying twins. This clinic experiences a 25% chance of twins with IVF, and they do not want both babies or the mother's life to be in jeopardy.

An encouraging bit of news is that this particular clinic has a 60% success rate for IVF, and they have the highest success rate in the Dallas area. I just hope we can get to the point that we have the means to be able to afford it! If anything, I hope that we can finally get some answers and at least have a treatment plan if we decide to try naturally. Now back to the waiting game...

Food buzz and philosophical musings

2010-02-20T09:49:00.001-06:00

This is completely off topic, but I thought it was really interesting and would be fun to share.

So, we were eating at Genghis Grill last night - a restaurant that specializes in Mongolian stir fry. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Mongolian stir fry is basically where you go down a line (not entirely unlike a cattle corral) and combine in typically random-like fashion your own choices of meats, veggies, spices, and sauces (at your own risk and possible your own peril) to be cooked on a huge wok by restaurant-employed cooks. I thought I was careful to avoid any spices or sauces marked with a "hot" indicator since I'm one that can tolerate (and sometimes enjoys) the quick flash of spice but am wary of anything that might have the lasting linger of heat.

Well, my food was either contaminated by another's spicier creation, or I was not as thoroughly observant as I had originally believed, or their spices and/or sauces were mislabeled or underrated because I received a dish of exactly what I was trying to avoid. However, the typical nature of such spices usually involves a slow increase of the heat which makes its near-immediate effects immediately unknown to an unsuspecting diner.

I was halfway through my food before realizing my mishap and decided to power through and finish my meal. At the end, I was left with the characteristic burn that terrorizes lips and tongue. But after a few minutes, I started feeling the sensation that one typically experiences after a glass of wine or beer. I felt as if I had a buzz and the burning sensation had noticeably decreased. I mentioned this to Kevin, and he said he's heard of such things happening but has never been privy to the experience himself. After a quick google on the iphone we discovered that apparently this is a fairly common occurrence and is caused by endorphins being released in the brain causing a sense of general contentment. He said he's read the same thing happens to burn victims. I also remember having the same sensation after massages.

The one article mentioned that people can become "addicted" (not in the crack-addict way, but more like an adrenaline-junkie way) to the sensation but start building tolerances to the heat-inducing spices. But these spices are completely safe and healthy for our bodies. I find this completely fascinating how something so simple or innocuous can affect our brain and subsequently our mood. But I think I'll stick with my massages for getting my "brain high" rather than spicy food.

It reminds me how important it is to take time to do the self-care items that are not so obviously important to our mental and physical health. There are things happening behind the scenes in our bodies that aren't so apparent. If we take care of our bodies, our bodies will take care of us, and we will be in a better mindset and physical condition to enjoy the simpler things in life. We will be better able to be in the moment and enjoy the journey for the journey rather than being so focused on the end destination when we can forget to "stop and smell the roses". I struggle with being in the moment because of my personality and because of our pregnancy loss experiences, but I think this experience has reminded me to make that a priority. So maybe this little experience isn't so off topic as I originally thought when I first sat down to write about it.

Infertility specialist

2010-02-19T10:19:00.000-06:00

I scheduled a consult appointment with an infertility specialist today. I hadn't been thinking about it recently, but we were talking about the car problems we've been having recently and thinking how long we'll be able to go before needing to buy another vehicle. We were talking about the size of the vehicle we would need with how many kids we hope to have, and Kevin mentioned that if we want to do PGD/IVF, this would be a good time and we should see how much our insurance will cover.

I can't help but feeling a little guilty about going. I asked my current OB if she thought we should pursue seeing a specialist, but she didn't see it as necessary. It would be one thing if I didn't need to tell her, but I have to request medical records for the appointment. But I remind myself that I need to look out for my own best interest in this. It would make me feel more at ease to get a second opinion and to put this stage in life behind us quicker if we can have two babies at one time rather than being pregnant two more times...

So anyway, now I get to sit down and fill out the tomes of medical history requested for this appointment. Wish me luck!

2010-02-17T20:49:00.000-06:00

This past Monday, I got back from my brother's wedding in El Paso. I wasn't supposed to be there because I was supposed to be pregnant and wasn't going to travel. But I dealt with this wedding much better than I did my sister's wedding when I was supposed to be pregnant as well. I think the difference was that I opted not to be part of the wedding party this time. Despite the fact that I shouldn't have been there, I am very happy that I was able to be with my brother and his new wife on their wedding day.

I remember packing for this trip on Friday going through my mental checklist of stuff to take and arriving at maxipads thinking, "nah, I shouldn't start my period yet." Well, low and behold, I started Saturday. I mentioned to my mom on Sunday that I was going to need to stop by the store to pick some up since I didn't have enough in my purse, and she says, "oh! your dad's at the store, let's call him to see if he'll pick some up." I handed her my phone and said, "you talk to him!" It's a natural bodily function, but I was embarrassed to mention, talk about, or even allude to this bodily function with my father. Anyway, I know I said it before, but thanks again Dad!

Maybe that's another reason I was able to deal with this wedding better. Maybe it lifted my mood a little bit to know that now that my period has started, we can start trying to get pregnant again. Now to get down to the nitty gritty of loosing about 10 pounds. All this "deserving" of chocolate has kinda tipped the scales in the wrong direction! I thought I'd have more time to get my act together!

As a side note, I was reminded today that I received the pathology results back last week from the tissue sample that was sent off from the D&C. Basically, we don't have any additional information. The pathology report stated that the sample was maternal tissue and did not have any chromosome abnormalities. Obviously we already know that I don't have any chromosome abnormalities. We still don't know for sure if the clotting factor caused the miscarriage or if it was due to some fluke chromosome abnormality. Oh well, we've already revised my treatment plan, and hopefully it'll work this time.

CHL ready!

2010-02-11T20:56:00.004-06:00

Well, I took a concealed handgun license (CHL) class yesterday. In Texas in order to carry a handgun on your person, you must be licensed to do so. It is also required to be concealed. Some states allow open carry, but for whatever reason ours does not. I'm not even sure how often I'll carry a gun on my person (certainly not on a daily basis considering I don't get out much), but being someone that does NOT like to attract attention, I seriously doubt I would entertain the idea of wearing it openly if the law allowed.

Anyway, obtaining a CHL involves 10 hours of instruction, a range test, a written test, and lots of delving into your background to make sure you're a law-abiding, mentally-stable resident (or non-resident, whatever your case maybe). I was incredibly nervous about the range test. You have to go through different sequences of shots and be able to obtain a certain amount of accuracy within an allotted time frame. I had only ever practiced firing a weapon twice before, but I scored 4 points less than the maximum score. I did better than most others in the class!

A friend asked me why I would want to carry a gun, and being nervous about the gun is one reason I decided to get my CHL - to force myself to become familiar and thus comfortable. We have handguns in our home for protection (locked up and secured of course), but prior to making myself familiar with the weapons, I wouldn't have even known how to take the safety off! How can you protect yourself or your family if you can't even use the weapon properly? What happens if the gun jams when you try to use it or if you have a miss fire (where the primer fails to make the bullet fire)? I've always felt it's important to be prepared, and this is no different in my mind.

Because I was unfamiliar with the weapon, I was also scared of the gun. It goes without saying that a mistake on my part when handling the weapon could have deadly consequences. I certainly didn't want to see this happen. I could have just decided to practice at the gun range with the weapon to become more familiar, but I haven't had the chance until recently because it's not really safe to be around a gun when it's discharged when you're pregnant because of all the chemicals and lead. I figured that since I'm in between pregnancies (is that like being in between jobs?), it would be the perfect time to take advantage of this opportunity.

I'd also like to say that it is our right provided by the Constitution to be able to defend ourselves by bearing arms. If we do not take advantage of these rights, we may find that they are no longer available to us should we ever need them.

It's funny some of things you'll do after you realize you're not immune to tragedy. You sometimes hear about chance random violent encounters in the news, but they really aren't that common. I don't know the statistics, but you're probably more likely to die in a car accident than be a victim of a random violent crime. But once you've become part of an unlikely statistic (unexplained stillbirth for example), you tend to believe that you could become part of any slim statistic. If it is within my power to prevent even something remotely unlikely as a violent encounter, I'd like to have the ability to try!

I have a problem

2010-02-09T14:24:00.001-06:00

I have a problem and it centers around what is now the age-old abortion debate. In an effort to persuade individuals to think "pro-life", proponents are now relying on irresponsible and ethically dangerous techniques. One is now being lead to believe that if one prays hard enough or follows blindly enough or is righteous enough or has enough faith, etc, etc, one will be graced with beating the odds and can go against medical convention regardless of risk.

I became aware of the Tebow family during Super Bowl Sunday while seeing a commercial during a pre-game show. My husband informed me that the mother in this commercial was advised to have an abortion because of health reasons that put her own life in danger. She opted to go against medical advice and keep the pregnancy which resulted in a healthy baby who now happens to be a well known football player. You can read the full story here. While I think it's wonderful that they had a good outcome, I think it's irresponsible for Focus on the Family to encourage and endorse this type of behavior. I'm not going to say the Tebow family made the right or wrong decision. It is a decision each family/mother needs to make on their/her own based on logical and personal reasons. The Tebow family is the exception, not the rule, and it is irresponsible to lead people to believe that if they pray long or hard enough they too can have the desired outcome. There is a reason they're called odds and most people are not going to have the desired outcome if the odds are stacked against them.

I am envious of the Tebow's story. I will admit that right now. There was no doubt in my mind that we were going to have a healthy baby before we lost Sierra. I fortified myself spiritually when I became pregnant again and prayed harder and stronger and believed I would have my sought after "rainbow" baby. To tell me I didn't have enough faith or I wasn't praying right would be a slap in my face if I still believed all that nonsense (anyone want a side of bitter with their meal?). Why were they able to have the desired outcome against greater odds when I did everything I was supposed to do too? Why couldn't I have my babies with me as well?

Aside from all that emotional turmoil, my main desire is that people will use logic when making risky decisions rather than falling victim to the Hollywood-fairy-tale-ending type propaganda. Use your brains people, and don't let yourself be the next victim to the sensationalism.

Back to Normal

2010-02-04T21:31:00.000-06:00

I had another two week checkup today to follow up with the D&C and check my hCG levels again.

Everything looks back to normal, and I feel back to normal. They don't expect my hCG to be down to zero yet, but they will continue to follow it every two weeks until it is zero again. I should have the results back tomorrow on that. My doctor has recommended that we wait 1-2 cycles before trying again.

I forgot to mention before that after I came out of surgery I was told that the doctor had already stopped by to talk with me. They said I asked her some pretty good questions, but I thought it was pretty funny that I had no recollection of this what-so-ever. My doctor said that I was very alert and was talking perfectly coherently. I asked if there was enough tissue to be able to do a chromosome analysis. But we still don't know the answer to this.

She told me today that they sent the tissue off. It wasn't very much, but they will try to get it to grow. If it grows, there was enough tissue. If it doesn't grow, then there wasn't enough. They can usually tell in about 2 weeks, so we are still waiting on this. This will hopefully give us clues as to if the miscarriage was from a chromosome abnormality or the clotting factor.

My doctor also mentioned that based on the tissue she retrieved and I guess how it was attached, I would not have been able to pass the tissue on my own, and I would have continued to bleed. I am glad that we have the technology to be able to take care of these things.

Now I work to get my body healthy again while we wait until we can start trying again...

Gratitude day 18

2010-01-31T08:39:00.000-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. (I just remembered this one from Saturday, how could I forget?!) That our tax paper work I set on top of our car Saturday before driving off to meet our CPA landed NEXT to the big puddle rather than in it. I'm also thankful we didn't loose anything and that one of our friendly neighbors helped us pick up Savannah's drawing paper that had blown all over the road.

2. That I FINALLY (for real this time) fixed our front door knob. This stupid thing kept coming off if someone looked at it wrong when trying to open the door. It was rather amusing seeing someone's face who experienced this little glitch for the first time, but it got to the point that it was hit or miss if we would even be able to get the door open. But thankfully a little WD40 and a rubber mallet seemed to do the trick. Let's hope it stays fixed this time...

3. That our media room is clean! Call me weird, but I love sitting in a room that has been decluttered.

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 17

2010-01-30T22:05:00.000-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. That we have a plan for paying the taxes we owe this year AND we have a plan for making sure we won't get behind again. Oh, the joys of being self employed...

2. For a booming business with profit, despite the taxes...

3. That the grocery shopping is done for the week... yes, I dread grocery shopping!

Gratitude day 16

2010-01-29T19:50:00.001-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. That I'm done taking my antibiotics. I'm glad we have them available, but they were making me sick to my stomach, yuck!

2. That I'm finished recording my expenses for our 2009 taxes, wheww! And I discovered that my profit from the daycare was substantially higher than the year before (or the year before that). I am exceptionally thankful for it, but it looks like we'll probably have to pay extra taxes this year rather than get a refund. We'll find out tomorrow though when we meet with our CPA.

3. For the Mardi Gras king cake that Kevin surprised us with. Yummy!

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 15

2010-01-28T20:49:00.000-06:00

Today, I don't have anything unique to be thankful for that I haven't already mentioned, but I'd like to list some obvious things.

1. For my great and suppportive friends and family

2. For the prosperity in our lives that allows our kids to pick and choose what they do and don't want to eat at any given meal

3. For living in a free society where we can practice things like democracy, freedom of religion, free speech, and all those other warm and fuzzy things we tend to take for granted.

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 14

2010-01-27T20:14:00.000-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. That I've finished my daycare curriculum subscription and I get to start reusing it! It took me 2 years, but now I get to save some money AND time! I'm really excited about the time part...

2. That I get to spend time alone with my daughter on Wednesdays before her tumbling class. BTW, I'm also thankful that we have the means to send her to a tumbling class.

3. That we do have two functioning cars, but I'm frustrated that my husband took the only key with him to the car he left leaving me immobile...I'm again thankful that my mother-in-law bailed us out and drove us to tumbling. Thanks again, Kathy!

4. That my surprisingly thoughtful husband got extra keys made today so we never have this problem again. I know it was just keys, but I was really touched by this. It was almost as good as flowers...almost. Thanks Kevin!

5. That I seemed to have made it out of my rut today. I had my normal energy level back and didn't feel down like I had been. I'm hoping to start exercising again on Friday barring any complications. I think that will do wonders for keeping my mood up.

Gratitude day 13

2010-01-26T20:18:00.001-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. For eating dinner out

2. That the laundry has been sorted and started

3. For the bubble bath I'm about to take

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 12

2010-01-25T18:31:00.001-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. For my friend's succinct words describing exactly how I feel about our situation. After reading our story, she said it gave her chills because "it was like watching a movie and knowing that there has to be a good ending but being so anxious you want to fast forward to the end to see."

I told her that's how I feel all the time! I know we're going to have a good ending. I don't know how we're going to get there exactly, but I just want to fast forward through the drama and anxiety and get to the happy ending! Thanks, Kimber, for reminding me that we're looking for a happy ending after all this.

2. That I finished my grocery shopping, for now...

3. That I understand Kevin's convoluted supplemental insurance plan, and I know exactly what I need to do to get them to pay my medical bills. I'm also still glad we have medical insurance especially since the bills started rolling in this year...

Gratitude day 11

2010-01-24T12:34:00.000-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. For having the time to get our story out of my head and online. You can find it here. I feel better already!

2. For Kevin's help with the technical aspects of publishing our story. Thanks Kevin, I appreciate your help!

3. That I have been able to rest and recover and that the cramps have been hardly noticeable at all! Now to try to get some stuff done today for next week...

Working on our story

2010-01-24T09:33:00.000-06:00

I know I didn't post anything yesterday. I've been having a hard time emotionally with this miscarriage at unexpected moments, but that's not why I didn't write. We met with our counselor yesterday, and after, I decided to create a "memorial site". I think it will be a good idea to have our complete back story in one place where it can be easily found. I spent most of the day working on this.

I've only put down our birth stories so far, but this was the hardest and longest part. It took me several hours just to find the right website templates and get everything setup for publishing, but I'm surprised how quickly the words flowed out once I started writing. I've never been afraid like I know some women are about loosing the details of my story. I figured that if I haven't forgot by now then I probably won't forget (barring some ugly degenerative brain disease or trama), but it's nice to have all those details out on "paper". What also surprised me was I remembered easily the days of the week from each birth and death.

I'll be working on this more today. I feel the need to focus inward and embrace the sadness with some directed efforts. Sometimes time doesn't heal all wounds and you have to "grin" and bear it and go through it to get past it. The gratitude journal offers a nice distraction from the pain, but distraction isn't always the answer. I do enjoy the gratitude journal though and will resume this shortly. Stay tuned!

Gratitude day 10

2010-01-22T17:03:00.001-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. That I had some yummy Pho for lunch.

2. That the D&C procedure went well.

3. For my fantastic mother-in-law who went with me to the hospital and took me home. Thanks Kathy! Couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law!

4. For, again, everyone's words of concern and well wishes. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside to have such great friends and family that are so caring, giving, and supportive. Thanks everyone, you make this tolerable!

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 9

2010-01-21T21:32:00.002-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. For lunch with my husband.

2. That I don't live in the 18th century or earlier or in an impoverished country. I have been reading a novel that takes place during this time, and it reminds me to be thankful that we have access to modern medicine and conveniences like indoor plumbing, hot water, and indoor air conditioning.

3. For the medical insurance that my husband's company provides. We have been fortunate to be covered under a plan that has taken care of all of our medical needs during this past year and for the procedure I'm having tomorrow.

I went into the doctor's office today to have my standard two week blood draw to check my hCG. The nurse asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned that I'm still having bleeding that's heavier than I would expect at this point. They did an ultrasound in the office and discovered that there is some tissue that has not passed yet from the miscarriage.

I was given the option to take a drug (can't remember the name) that would attempt to flush the tissue out with contractions and bleeding or to have a D&C. The pharmaceutical means is not guaranteed and would make it seem like I'm having the miscarriage all over again putting me out of commission for longer.

However, the recovery time for the D&C is usually 48 hours where I can resume normal activity and even exercise. I opted for the D&C so that I can get this over with and move on. I'm tired of being in "recovery" mode, and I need to get back to normal! Plus there's also a chance that they maybe able to recover the tissue and send it off for chromosome analysis to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities that caused this miscarriage. But my doctor is checking with pathology to see how much is required since there isn't a lot in there - she isn't optimistic about this.

4. So I'm also thankful that this will all be over with very shortly.

Pride lasts longer than pain

2010-01-20T09:49:00.002-06:00

Being a home daycare provider, I subscribe to these cutesy little motivational emails giving encouragement, tips, and advice on various childcare topics. I usually don't read them anymore since I've fallen into my daycare "groove", but today I received one that must have compelled me because I read the whole thing, and it really hit home.

The back story about completing a marathon was irrelevant to me for making the point - pride lasts longer than pain. I know this message intimately.

Every time I've been through a loss or stressful event, I always think how much easier life would be without operating the daycare. And I always seriously consider shutting down. Kevin has said he will back me in whatever decision I make, but I always wait it out to make sure I'm not making any rash decisions. And I always come back to embracing it. Once the pain subsides, my pride in the work that I do and what I provide for my family and other families always wins out.

So today, I'm thankful

1. For the little personalities that I'm entrusted with on a daily basis. I'm grateful for the trust of their parents, and for the positive impact I am making in their lives and for the impact they've had on mine.

2. That I've come to realize the stress pattern, and can now catch the triggers and provide myself with the self care necessary to keep my balance with the stress and the services I offer.

3. For my reliable, compassionate, trustworthy aide Anna, and for our ability to afford to pay her! Is it kosher to repeat a gratitude item? Not sure, but I'm always thankful for this one! Without her quality care for the kids and her awesome work ethic, I would either loose my mind or have to shut down. Thanks again, Anna!

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 7

2010-01-19T13:00:00.000-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. That today feels like Monday instead of Tuesday. Perhaps this week will go by quickly because of it!

2. That we have our second car back, and the transmission flushed fixed the problem, and we don't have to get the transmission replaced!

3. That I got my island cleaned off along with Savannah's room. Let's see how long it stays that way until we have to make a project out of it again...

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 6

2010-01-18T15:34:00.001-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. That my grocery shopping is done (at least for the week).

2. That I was able to take a few hours away from the daycare home and go see a movie.

3. That I've realized that it's just as important to take care of my mental health as well as my physical health and to not feel guilty about it! (although I'm still working on the not feeling guilty part...)

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 5

2010-01-17T10:47:00.002-06:00

Today, I'm thankful

1. That the biggest problem I have today is trying to plan when I'm going to go to the grocery store. (Do we see a pattern here?)

2. That people are concerned about our situation and are offering their words of comfort and condolences.

3. That my husband is finally learning to add "flourishes" to his abrupt words.

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 4

2010-01-16T17:26:00.001-06:00

Today, I am thankful

1. For Saturdays. Need I say more?

2. For the time spent making dinner together as a family.

3. For Sundays so I can put off going to the grocery store until tomorrow...

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 3

2010-01-15T10:14:00.001-06:00

Today, I am thankful

1. That we will be able to get our car fixed (despite the steep cost of repairs), and it should be ready by early next week. Yay freedom!

2. That I will be able to attend my brother's wedding in February in El Paso. I was not originally planning on going (which I deeply regretted) because I was hoping to be pregnant, and I made a strict no traveling rule while pregnant. I am sad about the circumstances that have allowed me to go, but I am thankful that I can. It is bittersweet. I am also extremely thankful for my parents' generosity for purchasing plane tickets for me and Savannah. I wouldn't be able to afford to go without that. Thanks mom and dad!

3. For having the time and freedom to be able to write about my thoughts and feelings. I have noticed that things don't seem so dark and depressing after I get them out of my head and "into the computer". It has proved to be healing in a cathartic way.

-- Post From My iPhone

Gratitude day 2

2010-01-14T12:03:00.003-06:00

Today, I am thankful for

1. Having my reliable and accommodating aide, Anna, here to help me with the daycare while I recuperate.

2. Having a husband who has helped with dinners and laundry the last several weeks.

3. Having a great mother-in-law who has helped with rides and picking up Savannah from school while our second car is out of commission.

Sorrow and Gatitude

2010-01-13T11:04:00.003-06:00

I have noticed an emotional pattern with the occurrence of this past loss. It has reminded me of all the emotions I had after loosing each baby, and I notice that I'm having the same emotions this time. The past miscarriage was not this painful, and I didn't expect this one to be either since I didn't loose a "tangible" baby. But I'm finding that it is more difficult to heal from this one because of all the emotions it has reminded me of.

Yes it gets easier with the passage of time. I know this already from experience. But do we ever really fully heal? I feel as if it is an old wound that is aching with the storm.

Because I am seeing the repeat of emotional patterns, it feels as if it is my more seasoned self is giving advice and guidance to my emotionally vulnerable self - both on the outside looking in and inside hurt as well.

Even though I prepared myself for this, the shock of the miscarriage has finally creeped it's way in despite how I've managed to keep myself busy. And true to emotional pattern form, I am noticing myself feeling sorry for myself. I just want to shut the world out and curl up in the dark and wallow in my own misery. The daily demands of life provide a distraction from the pain, I know, but I don't want to be distracted right now. I just want to feel it and take comfort in it.

I don't know if this is healthy or unhealthy behavior, but I don't like it about myself. So I have decided to write down at least 3 things that I'm thankful for each day to help sustain me through this time (that I know will eventually pass).

1. The first and most important thing I have to be thankful for is my healthy daughter. Her presence makes the pain of the losses easier to bear. I don't have to struggle with the question, "am I a mother?" as so many women must who loose their first baby. I have her here to distract from my sorrow and channel my mothering needs.

2. I am thankful for the blissfully ignorant first uncomplicated pregnancy. Like so many other women, my future pregnancies will forever be tarnished by the anxiety of the past losses, but I will always have that to remember and look back on with fond memories.

3. I am thankful for my health and that I can still be there for my daughter and husband. Pregnancy can be risky business, and I am thankful for the advances in medical technology that has kept me safe and healthy.

4. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned with my experiences. I have learned to be more assertive if something doesn't sit right with me. But along those lines, I am sorry it took these experiences to teach me that. I often wonder if any of it could have been prevented if I was more persistent, but I have vowed to let that not be the case going forward.

Update:

After reading this, I wonder if I'm not letting myself feel the pain. Am I distracting myself too much to allow the pain to settle in and do its job? Have I not healed from the past losses because I haven't allowed myself to be sad? Is that why this is repeating itself? Should I take time to be in a safe place to allow myself the time grieve?

I don't know the answers to those questions right now...

-- Post From My iPhone

Chocolate anyone?

2010-01-08T10:04:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, I spoke with my OB. She and my perinatologist have decided to revise the game plan next time I get pregnant. They can't be certain that this was just another fluke thing that happened.

The pathology came back on the tissue I passed indicating "product of conception". That seemed a sufficiently vague term to me and after about an hour of googling still seems just as vague. I asked the doctor if that means there was an embryo. She didn't exactly say yes because it's hard to determine after some time has passed. From what I've been able to determine, it just means that, yes, indeed this is the product of your pregnancy...like I didn't know that already. If anybody can shed any additional light on the subject, I am welcome to the information!

Anyway, they are unable to determine if there was an chromosome abnormalities because inorder to do the analysis, they have to obtain the sample from a D&C otherwise it contains contaminates. So we really don't know if my clotting factor or a chromosomal abnormality caused the miscarried.

My doctor prefaced her advice by saying that with my condition there isn't really a standard of care they can provide that is known to work for a certain population. At this point in time, it's kinda guess work. My clotting mutation is heterozygous and typically shouldn't cause women problems in pregnancy or life in general so they usually do not have to resort to these methods, so they are treating me based on my history.

So going forward, they will start me on Lovenox (or heparin) and progesterone at the time of a positive pregnancy test rather than waiting to determine if the pregnancy is viable. The progesterone is a new thing. My doctor said there is controversy as to its effectiveness, but it won't hurt anything to take it. I didn't think to ask at the time, but I'm assuming they're suggesting it based on my low progesterone levels with the first miscarriage.

The main reason they've waiting to start the blood thinners (Lovenox) until they have confirmed a viable pregnancy is to prevent the risk of hemorrhaging or bleeding out too much if I do still miscarry. I addressed this concern with my doctor and she said that they will not completely anti-coagulate me, so the risk is reduced. If I do start spotting, they will do ultrasounds to see what's going on in there and stop the Lovenox immediately if I do miscarry.

My hCG levels are still really high. They were 60,000 on Monday and went down to 12,000 on Wednesday. My doctor said that I won't even ovulate until they go down to zero. They will take my blood every two weeks until it goes down to zero. This is to ensure that you don't have an ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine suggested that maybe I had a blighted ovum which is a fertilized egg that doesn't develop an embryo. But after some research, I read that the hCG levels will typically drop off before you miscarry. And with those high numbers, I'm in concurrence with my doctors that this was probably caused by the clotting factor.

So now, we'll wait one cycle and start all over again. Now to find some chocolate to drown my sorrows in, and I'm not above taking free chocolate handouts *hint, hint* ;) - especially since I've immobilized with only one working car right now, grrrrr.

Recipe for loss of faith

2010-01-05T08:08:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend anyone with my opinions so please do not take offense. I write from my own experiences and with the intent to share and explain my thoughts and feelings.

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I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.

Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.

But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, searching, seeking, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.

So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.

Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.

I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.

Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.

Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.

Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.

-- Post From My iPhone

Waiting for a heartbeat

2009-12-20T16:18:00.003-06:00

Last Friday, I went to the grocery store. I picked up some pregnancy tests since this was the day I was supposed to get my period (I say supposed, but Aunt Flow has never been a punctual visitor).

Anyway, I get home from the grocery store and it appears that our monthly visitor did arrive on time after all. I was a little disappointed - well actually really disappointed - and made a mental note to call my OB on Monday to see what course of action we can take, if any, to help events along.

Saturday rolls around and it seemed that our monthly visitor was just kidding and decided not to make an appearance after all, so I resisted the urge to take a pregnancy test right then and there and wait until Sunday morning when my urine would be nice and concentrated. My big concern was that I was indeed pregnant, but miscarrying again.

So, I took the test Sunday morning and low and behold it was positive! I hadn't had any further bleeding, but I didn't want to get too excited because any amount of blood is alarming.

I made an appointment Monday morning to have a beta hCG drawn. This measures the amount of hCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone in your system and can give you an indication if you're miscarrying or not. They will usually repeat the test in 48 hours and are looking for the numbers to just about double.

Good news is everything looks good so far and I haven't had any further bleeding! The nurse said the spotting doesn't necessarily indicate anything is wrong and may have happened because of a change in hormones. I am allowing myself to become a little excited, but am anxiously awaiting my first OB appointment when we can hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, because of the holidays, I have to wait until I'm nearly 8 weeks before I have my first visit! They will call me if there are any cancellations though.

I am trying to stay as relaxed and patient as I can. I feel I am doing a good job of not letting the anxiety control my life. I haven't changed my level of activity unless I feel especially tired. I have continued to do my exercises to keep my back strong (I was recently diagnosed with fractures in my bottom two vertebrae), and have continued my yoga practice with slight modifications to accommodate the pregnancy.

I have had trouble sleeping the past week, and I will find myself waking out of a dead sleep around 3:00am and not able to go back to sleep. I don't know if this is one way the anxiety is manifesting or if it's due to the hormone changes. I don't feel especially panic-ridden so I'm leaning more to the hormone changes as the cause.

I am controlling the things I can to make sure we have a healthy baby at the end of all this, but I also realize there are so many things I can't control, and I must let nature takes its course. I just hope that the course is steered in the desired direction this time!

Attempt #3, no wait! Make that #2

2009-11-15T08:29:00.001-06:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been pretty uneventful reproductive-wise. I did have some excitement with trying to find a new daycare aide that has occupied my time and attention. I will only say that having to fire someone is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I hate confrontation, and it's definately in the top 5 of things I'd like to avoid. But anyhoo...

We didn't get pregnant again this month. I was telling a friend the other day that this was our third attempt, and I was starting to get worried, but upon reevaluting the calendar I realized this was only our 2nd attempt since the miscarriage. We have always been successful in the past in 2 tries or less, and we've never had to go this long without success. I do feel less stressed that this was only the 2nd attempt. I think it seems longer to me because of the miscarriage along with several extended cycles since Garrett where I thought I was pregnant.

I still feel that I'm staying pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and being busy definately makes the time pass quickly. I try to remind myself that even though I do want the time to pass quickly so I can get to whatever stage is next in our conception attempts that it's also important to enjoy the great things that are in our lives right now - things like Savannah's very first kindergarten performance which was the cutest thing since seeing her smile for the first time!

But here's to hoping this month is *the* month, so wish us luck and lots of baby dust!

-- Post From My iPhone

Feelings of Disappointment and Frustration

2009-10-18T11:36:00.007-05:00

Ok, ok. Now that the disappointment of not being pregnant has worn off, I'm not so eager to seek artificial assistance for conceiving. I don't know how people with infertility issues deal month after month with the disappointment. I've never had to go more than 2 months without conceiving, but I'm always frustrated after the first month!

I will say that I do have a limit to how many more times I am willing to go through pregnancy (barring anymore unforeseen circumstances of course). Given this, we have decided to continue our attempts to conceive naturally for this pregnancy. Depending on the gender of this upcoming baby, we will then make a determination if we will use PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) to determine gender for the subsequent pregnancies.

With the little information Kevin has told me and the little research I've done on this method, I'm surprised that more people who use IVF don't use PGD as well for extra insurance. It can screen for the presence of a large number of genetic disorders before the embryo is implanted helping to prevent any additional heartache that may results for naturally occurring chromosome mistakes or inherited genetic mutations. The additional fees for the test are not that much more when you factor in what IVF costs anyway.

After thinking through all of our options, I'm secretly (although not so secretly now) hoping that the next baby is a girl. Then we can plan to use PGD to have our two boys for the pregnancy after this one. Even though events don't always go as we hope and plan them, I wouldn't mind being pregnant 2 more times, but 3 is stretching it!

Negative, Ghostrider

2009-10-14T16:06:00.001-05:00

The pregnancy test came back negative, but I'm still awaiting my period. Going on cycle day 35. This happened once before, but this isn't the norm for me. I hope it's not an early sign of the end of my reproductive years...

Speaking of childbearing years, I am getting to the point where I am anxious to be past this stage in my life. I have been pregnant 3 times (4 if you count the early miscarriage), and I'm starting to feel fatigued at the prospect of having to do this 2-3 more times not to mention the fear of the risk associated with being pregnant. I'm especially reminded of this with all this swine flu news recently. Just the other day, I learned that pregnant women who contract this particular stain of the virus are 9 times as likely to die! Working in a daycare setting only increases the risk of contracting the disease. It's so easy to say that that won't happen to me, but my past experience leaves little room for that freedom of thought.

My parents were done having kids already by my age, and I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for the completion of our family. Kevin wants two living sons (he doesn't count Garrett in the mix). While I don't understand or agree, I do understand that it's important to him, and I don't mind trying to help him achieve his goal.

We've tried various ways to try to influence the gender at conception, and we've had mixed results with neither of us being convinced that those methods really work. But apparently you can guarantee the results with a method that also screens for genetic disorders. The embryo is then implanted via IVF.

I was initially put off by the idea of this especially with a price tag of $20k which would most likely not be covered by insurance. But the prospect of only having to go through pregnancy one more time with two implanted males is sounding more and more appealing. Not only would we be done with childbearing, but we would have the peace of mind that the children I will be carrying will not have any genetic disorders. While we've never had a problem with genetic disorders, having the peace of mind that we're carrying healthy children is worth it to me alone.

We still have a lot of research to do on this and still need to weigh the options, but it would be so nice to know I only have one more pregnancy to look forward to.

-- Post From My iPhone

Late?

2009-10-12T16:45:00.001-05:00

Today I am officially "late". Going in for a pregnancy test tomorrow... Nothing more to see here. Move along!

-- Post From My iPhone

Yoga and Grief

2009-09-30T20:52:00.007-05:00

I know, I know. I haven't posted in a while. The daily demands of life have been keeping me busy, busy, busy (my new mantra remember)! I'm even starting this post from Savannah's new tumbling class seeing as I can't find the time to write otherwise.

My former prenatal yoga instructor (turned friend) invited me to attend a pregnancy and infant loss support group meeting on Monday. She was invited as a guest speaker to talk about yoga and grief. She also has experienced the loss of a baby. She knew that I have been a practitioner and wanted me to share my story and experience as well.

As a side note I'd like to say that everyone grieves differently and I try very hard not to judge others with their process, but I learned I'm not really a support group type of person. I much prefer going to my counselor instead.

Anyway, my yoga instructor friend also invited me to attend her prenatal yoga class prior to the meeting. Some may think she was crazy or even cruel for asking someone with a recent loss to be around a bunch of pregnant women, but I never pass up the opportunity for yoga! Plus, I didn't feel the least bit apprehensive about the idea before hand, so I figured I was safe.

She usually starts the class off with some guided breathing and connecting with your baby. I followed along with her instructions of placing one hand on your heart and one on your belly out of politeness at first, but as she started talking about connecting with your baby the tears started coming. I wanted to jerk my hand away when I felt the tears and to shut out the emotions. I felt so empty and missed my babies so much, but then a thought occurred to me. My body used to hug and touch them through my womb. Even though my womb is empty at the moment, my babies used to live in there. That used to be their home and lifeline. I felt a sense of connectedness through the organ that used to cradle them. I may not have them with me anymore, but my love for them keeps us connected. The pain of grief is never pleasant while we are experiencing it, but I was glad that I didn't shut out the emotions. I felt refreshed and cleansed and more connected to our babies after my little cry. And even though I was in a public place, I felt safe enough in that yoga setting to let myself grieve over my empty womb.

It's moments like that one that have helped me resolve some hidden aspect of my grief. As I stated to the other bereaved parents at the support group, there's nothing mystical that happens for me when I do yoga. I think the awareness of your breath, your body, and your limitations also carries over to your emotions and other aspects of your life. We are taught in yoga to respect and accept our bodies and our limitations without judgment, but also to push ourselves without going over our limits. Going to that prenatal yoga class was a little push for me in my grief. Additionally, I've found the best way for me to grieve (seeing as I'm becoming an expert on this) is to allow the emotions to come without judgment and accept them for what they are - a by product of the grieving process. Sometimes there is no logic to the emotions. Sometimes I feel anger, resentment, bitterness, and guilt. But I accept those ugly emotions just as I accept my limitations in yoga and realize they do not define my character. It's how I act on those emotions that defines who I am.

In typing this, I am reminded of a blog post I've read recently. After we have settled back into the normal routine of life, it seems most women need to expose themselves to experiences that illicit some of those feelings associated with grief. I read somewhere that it is normal human behavior to want to relive the details of the tragic event to remind ourselves that we're justified in your grief. But I'd rather like to think of it as reminding myself that I'm justified in the love for the little lives that we've lost.

-- Post From My iPhone

Tasting the moment

2009-09-14T13:31:00.002-05:00

Did you ever want something so bad you could taste it? I remember as a kid the American Girl line of toys had just come out, and they were horribly overpriced even then. I wanted the Samantha doll and her accessories with a vengeance. They had several contests where you could mail in a postcard and win a bunch of stuff, and I would hope and pray that my entry would be picked. Mom and Dad didn't have $75+ laying around to be able to afford such a toy not even at Christmas. Of course, I never won, but I would study the catalogues, and picture the accessories, and imagine myself playing with these deliciously life-like toys. We visited the American Girl store with my daughter several months ago, and it was like walking through the catalogue. It was even better than I used to imagine! I even have the means to purchase the things I yearned for all those years ago (I didn't of course, but that's not the point).

That's how this next baby feels to me. Now that Aunt Flow has made her arrival again, I am getting excited that this could be it. Maybe in 6 weeks, we will see a little heartbeat on the screen. Maybe in 9 months, we will be holding our next living, healthy bundle of joy. I see other women with their babies, and I can almost taste it just like those silly little toys. I have to remind myself at moments like this to slow down and relax. It may not happen in 6 weeks or 9 months, but I know it will happen. And I will myself to be patient and enjoy the things that life has to offer right now and to stay in the moment.

Trip and other miscellaneous sundies updated

2009-09-10T13:11:00.023-05:00

We have had a couple of whirlwind weeks which is one reason I haven't updated sooner.

We got back from Vegas last Friday, didn't win ANYTHING, but had a great time anyway. We did have one minor hiccup that I have filed away as a "lesson learned". I wore myself out trying to walk to the Stratosphere in 100+ degree heat and got very grumpy.

I heard somewhere that the whole length of the strip is 2 miles and that the Stratosphere is at the end. We had just finished eating lunch at the Bellagio which according to the tourist map looked about halfway. I convinced Kevin it would be good for us to work off some of our gluttonous Vegas buffet fair and walk the distance rather than taking a taxi or riding the Deuce (bus). Besides it was only a mile! Additionally, we are from Texas and are accustomed to 100+ degree heat WITH humidity, and we had plenty of water to stay well hydrated! Heck, we walked to Excalibur which was on the other end of the strip (certainly at least a mile in distance) without a problem! How hard could it be, right? I'm embarrassed to say it did occur to me before hand that we made our Excalibur trip AT NIGHT and that our tourist map may not have been to scale, but I rejected those ideas in the interest of burning calories. Boy, did we do that!

Anyway, we did walk the distance while making stops along the way, but it definitely seemed more than a mile! We ended up taking a taxi back to our hotel in a very foul mood vowing never to attempt such a feat again. I will say though that due to my diligent and disciplined use of sunscreen, I did NOT get a sunburn.

Here is a picture of us, pre-Stratosphere excursion. See how happy we, I mean, I look? Kevin came down with a cold at the beginning of our trip and wasn't feeling too good that day. He got over it pretty quick though.

Then we had a major scare after getting onto the plane headed home. No, this wasn't a terrorist threat or concerns about the structural soundness of the plane. I looked down at my hand, and my engagement ring was GONE!

Now, I must admit that this is not the first time this has happened, and I've been putting off the inevitable task of getting my rings resized, but I've always known in the past the moment my ring slipped off my finger before.

The flight attendant let me look up and down the isle and at the gate, but I feared I had accidentally thrown it away in the bathroom after washing my hands. Unfortunately, the bathroom was nowhere near the gate and our plane was about to take off. I was coming around to the idea that we would need to start saving for several months to be able to invest in a new wedding set when I decided to scour the contents of my bag in the vain hope it accidentally slipped off into there. I picked up my bag from under the seat in front of me and there was my ring on the floor! I immediately put both my rings in my wallet vowing not to put them back on until I got them fixed. I am happy to report they were resized and saudered together the next day.

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The next day after we got back on Sept 5th was the 2 year anniversary of Sierra's stillbirth. I thought a lot about her that day, but we didn't do anything to commemorate the event for a combination of reasons the least of which being we ran out of time. Despite that, I was having mixed feelings about making a big deal out of it. Even though an experience like this has a lasting impact, I didn't want to go through the motions of acknowledging the event. I don't want to feel like a slave to the ritual, and I felt the need to move on and not be tied down by all the emotional baggage.

Yeah, I felt slightly guilty for not doing anything for her on that day. But it seems to me the purpose of acknowledging the day is to keep her memory alive, but her memory has and will live on in us. I think of her often, and I know that we could never forget her. And I am at peace with that.

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I found out yesterday that the Victoria Secret Love your Body contest has been closed early due to tampering which I suspect is from "ballot stuffing". Funny thing is, Kevin originally suggested that I set up a script to "artificially inflate" my votes (or in other words cheat), but I rejected the idea out of hand!

They are still going to award the two prizes, but unless they disqualify the cheaters, I won't be eligible for a prize. They will award one prize to People's Choice and one to Judge's Choice. But in order to be eligible for Judge's Choice, you have to be in the top 50. I am in the top 100, but not top 50.

Even though I may not be eligible for a prize, I still feel fortunate that my friends and family cared enough to cast votes on a daily basis. Plus, we were able to take a fun, exciting, lesson-filled trip to Las Vegas! Those things are prize enough for me!

Relax!

2009-08-27T20:41:00.003-05:00

I have been incredibly lazy this last month since the miscarriage started (well, as lazy as you can be when you still have a business to run and a child and family to look after). Even though it has been justified laziness, I still find myself feeling guilt and anxiety about taking time to relax.

I recently hired an aide on a permanent and full-time basis to assist with my daycare business when I originally started to have the miscarriage. We had already decided to hire an aide to help with work-life balance, but the time frame got bumped up with the onset of the bleeding.

I must say it has been working out very well, so well in fact that I find myself feeling anxiety over having spare time. I keep going over the chores I did that day to make sure I'm not forgetting something critical. If I take time to do something enjoyable, I feel anxiety and guilt. Yesterday I put my aide in charge and left early to meet my husband for a late afternoon movie, but I kept feeling the anxiety creeping up on me. However, I do think there's hope for me to be able to "be in the moment" (as my counselor calls it). After several sessions of ignoring the anxiety and feeling it creep back up, I started to get angry, because I deserve to have time to relax untarnished by guilt or anxiety and bygod no imagined opinions of others is going to ruin my good time!

I oftentimes irrationally and incorrectly project what others' judgements of my behavior will be, and usually it is not a positive prediction. Why do I care anymore? Why am I still holding onto that unproductive way of thinking? Why is it so hard to let it go? Why should I care? I deserve to be free of that baggage! Shouldn't the fact that I've proven my worth and value and shown my strength through adversity negate my desire to feel validated by others? Isn't it enough for me to know it myself? If I've already proven it to myself, why do I feel the need to make everyone else aware as well? I don't have the answers yet, but maybe someday I won't care about those particular questions.

Anyway in the meantime, please help support my need for acceptance by voting for me HERE to win a trip to NYC. Vote everyday until September 14th!

Vote for me!

2009-08-18T21:46:00.004-05:00

I'm happy to report that my Victoria Secret "Love Your Body" entry was accepted!

I wish that I could be nonchalant about the whole ordeal and pretend that I don't really care if I win or loose. But I do care, and you can help!

The winning entry is determined by how many votes are received, so please vote for me HERE.

You can vote once per day until September 14th. So be sure to vote daily!

The winner receives a trip to New York City, accommodations, a spa day, and spending cash.

Please vote for me, I really want to win!

Love your body

2009-08-14T11:00:00.006-05:00

I was looking for coupons online today for Victoria Secret. I wanted to pick up a little "sumpin, sumpin" before we go to Las Vegas in a couple weeks, and I ran across a contest where they ask you to describe why you love your body. I thought it would be fun to share what I typed up.

I stand in front of the mirror naked. After the rigors of breastfeeding, loosing 65 pounds, the birth of 3 children and 3 miscarriages later, I see sagging, shrunken breasts, a flabby abdomen (streaked with stretch marks resembling a road map), cellulite, and skin that is all too quickly loosing it's youthful elasticity.

I have been on a journey with my body that involved the struggle and conquering of my battle with weight. This journey involved the healthy (and maybe unlikely) birth of our now 5 year old daughter. This journey involved the stillbirth at 38 weeks gestation of our second daughter. And this journey involved a placental abruption at 23 weeks gestation where we knew our first son outside the womb for only 2 weeks.

I don't have the ideal body, but I am not ashamed. I am proud, and I love my body because it is a tribute, reminder, and testament of the journey we have been through. And I wouldn't trade it for the most perfect body in the world.

I then tried to copy and paste what I wrote into their submission box and quickly realized they have a character limit for how much you can submit. How do you sum up your struggles in approximately 375 characters? Well, I submitted this instead.

It wasn't what I originally wanted to submit, but I hope it relays the intended message.

Vegas!

2009-08-11T18:07:00.003-05:00

I had a sonogram today, and luckily my body has taken care of the miscarriage on its own. I won't be needing a D&C thankfully. The bleeding and cramping have gone down a lot since Sunday, but the doctor said I should have some bleeding for about 2 weeks. I have another appointment around that time to make sure my hCG levels are back to normal. I should get clearance at that time to resume normal activity and exercise. We have to wait for one normal cycle and then we can start trying again.

On a lighter note, we've already decided where we're going to go on vacation - Vegas baby!

We're planning on leaving on Saturday, August 29th and coming back on Friday, September 4th. Then I get Labor Day Monday off to recoup from the vacation! Who could ask for more than that!

Time to Get Away

2009-08-09T09:02:00.002-05:00

We went to our scheduled counseling appointment yesterday. At first, I wasn't sure if this person was completely off or a genius, but I'm coming around to the notion that she has us pegged pretty well.

We talked about the miscarriage in progress and what we're doing to comfort ourselves right now. It goes without saying that it is painful for me. But I'm sure most men are like my husband and don't feel the need to be comforted. It's not socially acceptable for a man to hurt during such an event. After all, they aren't the one who is physically pregnant. In my more naive, less loss-tarnished days, I used to believe that it was silly for women to say, "we're pregnant," since the man does not have to bear the physical load. But I've realized that attitude is just buying into the damaging attitude encouraged by western society and encourages men to deny themselves to be witnessed becoming emotionally involved.

When I'm pregnant now, I say, "we're pregnant," and when we've lost babies or pregnancies, I say, "we had a miscarriage," or, "we lost a baby." My husband has contributed more than just half the DNA. Aside from the fact that these have been his children too, his actions and decisions also helped lay the foundation to support the children that would have resulted from these pregnancies. He has let my needs and desires influence his decisions so that I can mother our offspring in the way I most feel comfortable. While my husband would argue that emotions don't play a factor for him making a decision, I argue that it does involve an emotional investment - just as deciding and becoming pregnant involves an emotional investment by both parties. It's akin to placing the next to last piece in a puzzle we've worked so long to complete. Who can deny becoming excited at the prospect of completing the puzzle with the children you anticipate, and then being disappointed when the last puzzle piece gets snatched away? Now I know that men don't see things surrounding our losses the same way us women do. But aside from this, men have been told to deny and repress their disappointment and pain to avert the risk of being seen as weak or inferior. I don't know what the answer is, but it is a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, enough about my soapbox and my husband's repressed emotional pain. Our counselor suggested taking some time for a vacation to recoup and recover. I've noticed myself starting to develop a love/hate relationship with the daycare. I take great pride in my exceptional program and the quality of care I provide, but I am becoming resentful that I cannot take a break right now when I most need it. I only closed for 6 days with the help of an aide when I had the abruption in March. It is starting to take it's toll. I have heard of other people taking vacations after such losses and longed to do the same. But I never let myself consider the idea.

To better understand how I operate, you need to understand that I am a perfectionist. I tell people that does NOT make me perfect. It only means I'm exceptionally hard on myself when something is not done the way I think it should be done. It is an exhausting way to live. Hence the reason my counselor is encouraging me to change my thoughts from, "I should," to, "I deserve." It must be working because I kept telling my husband, "I deserve cake right now!" He thought it was ludicrous, but my counselor thought it was good progress. In either case it has been an ongoing joke the last 3 days and will probably result in the gain of 10 pounds.

But aside from whether I deserve cake or not, we both deserve a vacation to recoup from our loss and agreed to take one just the two of us. I am becoming excited at the prospect of getting away from life's daily demand. Now to decide where...

-- Post From My iPhone

Cake batter

2009-08-07T18:33:00.001-05:00

I was going to post earlier today that things have been the same, but then the bleeding started again and heavier this time. It's absolute torture having to wait this out. I know now that I am miscarrying, but I wish it would just get it over and done with.

I take comfort in the fact that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me this time. Maybe there was just something wrong with the pregnancy causing my progesterone to be low. I will make sure that we get it monitored before next time though. Now we also go to take comfort in a big bowl of cake batter ice cream. That should provide some distraction.

2009-08-05T09:30:00.002-05:00

The bleeding seems to have subsided. The nurse said that she doubted the progesterone would help with that. Maybe we were able to catch it in time to save the pregnancy though. We will see on the 18th if there's actually a baby in there.

I am already preparing myself for being disappointed. I am still holding out hope, but I wish I wouldn't so it wouldn't hurt so bad.

I keep going around in my head that I'm not having cramps, and I haven't passed tissue, and the bleeding is subsiding, and I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that. But I don't want to convince myself it'll be okay. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised if we do find a heartbeat rather than sadly disappointed if we don't. But I still know I will be disappointed. But I tell myself, "that's okay, we can try again". It's enough to drive you crazy though.

I'm also trying to rest during the day. I will let my sub watch the daycare, and I'll try to take a nap. I lay in bed, and I think I feel the blood or a cramp coming on. I want to rush to the bathroom to check, but I can't do that every 5 minutes! So I make myself ignore it and reassure myself that I'm already doing everything I can to protect the pregnancy and decide to let nature take it's course either way. If I'm bleeding, I will deal with it after my nap.

Having to ask the people around me for help with the things I'm used to doing is very difficult as well! But despite that difficulty, I only wish I could put my emotions on hold like the bathroom checks until after we have the sono.

Update: I called the dr office this morning at their request to let them know how I'm doing. I let the nurse know that the bleeding seems to have stopped, and she was encouraged by this and told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe there is hope, but I'm afraid to believe everything will be okay...

-- Post From My iPhone

Let's play the Waiting Game! Yeehaww!

2009-08-03T19:08:00.003-05:00

Well, I started bleeding yesterday while I was pushing that huge ton of weight around they call a grocery cart. It's not been very much bleeding, but more than I'm comfortable with. I take comfort in the fact that I've not had any cramping. I called the doctor yesterday and they're not too optimistic about the pregnancy. There isn't really anything they can do at this point, and I already knew that anyway. My doctor did advise me to put my feet up and take it easy.

My mother-in-law and husband were nice enough to clean up after dinner for me last night. It just goes to show that maybe Kevin does exhibit some emotion if he was concerned enough to actually help do dishes. Too bad I was too concerned about the pregnancy to really enjoy watching him at it for the first time!

Anyway, I called the doctor's office again today to see if they had the results from the beta hCG they did on Friday. My hCG had nearly doubled which is good, but my progesterone went from 9mg on Wednesday to 6.5mg on Friday. That's not good; in fact that's bad. Progesterone helps to sustain a pregnancy. If my body is not producing enough, I can loose this pregnancy. My understanding is it can also indicate that something is wrong with this pregnancy.

They prescribed me some progesterone pills but did it more for my benefit I think. The nurse really doesn't think it will make a difference either way. I don't think I ever had a problem with low progesterone before, but I don't really know because it was never measured before. I do know that I never had this kind of bleeding before except right before I had the abuption.

At this point, it's a waiting game. They will do another ultrasound on Tues 8/18 if I make it that long to see if there's a heartbeat. There's a high likelihood there won't even be an embryo in there.

I did have my substitute come in today and the rest of this week to help me with the daycare. And I have an aid hired that is going to start the following Monday. That will give me a chance to get my feet up and help protect this pregnancy if there's something in there well enough to save.

All we can do now is play the waiting game and hope for the best. I am trying to not hang all my hopes on a slim chance, and I can already see myself preparing for what I fear to be inevitable. I am already feeling disappointed, but if I loose this pregnancy I know we can try again. I am also going to ask that they monitor my progesterone prior to pregnancy to see if anything can be done to prevent this next time.

It just seems like the odds are starting to be stacked against us. I appreciate the fact more and more each day that we were able to have a healthy child from our first pregnancy and that it was untarnished by all this anxiety and complications. That's more than most people get who are faced with the problems we've been faced with recently.

Blah!

2009-07-31T14:25:00.004-05:00

I went back to the doctor's office today. They of course confirmed the pregnancy yesterday, but said that it was very early. I only measured 11mIU/ml hCG. I think your body will usually have less than 5mIU/ml hCG normally. They had me come in again today and took some more blood. They will measure how much hCG my body is producing as of today. They want to see it increase and optimally double from Wednesday. They use this along with progesterone numbers to measure how viable the pregnancy is. We won't have the results until Monday.

Dr. O did not start me on the blood thinners yet. She said it's too early to tell if the pregnancy is viable. If I were to start the blood thinners and then have a miscarriage, I could loose a lot of blood. As long as everything progresses normally, I am to go back in two weeks (which will be 6 weeks gestation) and have a ultrasound. As long as everything looks good, they will start me on the blood thinners at that time.

I never anticipated being on an emotional roller coaster this early in the pregnancy. I was elated when I discovered that I am pregnant and then anxious the next day worrying if this will turn into the full-blown thing. I've never had an early miscarriage, but I've heard that most women will have one at some point. I would think the fact that we've already had 2 late miscarriages would somehow magically counter the statistics, but it just doesn't work that way...

And every time that nurse takes my blood it HURTS! I'm used to getting my blood drawn, and she may be nice, but she doesn't do a very good job! Blah!

TTC tips and tricks

2009-07-30T22:47:00.005-05:00

We received confirmation from the doctor today that I am indeed pregnant! Even though we have had issues towards the middle or end of our pregnancies, ironically or coincidentally (whichever way you want to look at it) we have always been able to get pregnant very easily. This may have to do with body chemistry and genetics, but I like to think that some of the stuff we've done might be helpful for others as well.

However, I'd first like to say that my intention is not to minimalize very real issues that some people face when trying to conceive. My intention is to share things that have worked for us in the hopes that it may work for others to conceive more quickly. This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of the imagination, and I encourage you to do your own research as well. This of course is not intended to replace any advice from a qualified physician.

And Dad, I know you read my blog, so you can stop right here. I would be so embarrassed if I knew you read this!

Tips for Him

Have your mate where boxers - This allows for higher sperm production because it lowers the temperature in that region. The little guys thrive at a lower temperature so if your guy likes tightie whities, he may inadvertently be decreasing the amount of live sperm available. More is better to help increase the odds of one of them making it to the "finish line" (or the egg in other words).

Tips for Her

Evening Prim Rose capsules help to increase the quality and quantity of cervical mucus. The cervical mucus helps the little guys make it to the egg. The better the track the quicker they can get there. You should take 2-3 capsules a day from about the time that your period ends to when you ovulate. I took 3/day from the point that my period started to help me get in the habit before the crucial time frame. You should be able to find it at most drug stores.
A word on measuring ovulation. I've found it best to forget about that basal body temperature and checking cervical mucus stuff. Those are additional ways you can check ovulation, but the easiest I found was to just pick up a bunch of ovulation sticks and follow the directions in the box. I wouldn't mess with those dip sticks though. Just get the sticks you can pee on. I always just used the cheap Kroger brand sticks, and I found they worked the best. Once it shows that you've had an LH surge, you will usually ovulate in the next 12-36 hours. You must "do the deed" around this time, or you will miss your opportunity to fertilize the egg.
Mucinex can help loosen the cervical mucus allowing for better access to the egg for the little spermies. I took 600mg twice a day from the start of my period until ovulation.
There are lubricants out there that can apparently hinder your attempts at conception. Make sure that if you use one, it is compatible. We used one called "Pre-Seed".
Last but not least, make sure you give the "juice" enough time to do it's magic. You may not need this visual, but I rested in bed with my nether region elevated on a pillow. I would wait about 5-10 minutes. Don't wait too long; you don't want to run the risk of a urinary tract infection!

That was it for us. Sprinkle in some baby dust and the facade of patience and hopefully you too will be pregnant quickly!

Pregnant!

2009-07-29T07:21:00.002-05:00

My husband jokes that if we had a buck fifty for everytime I said, "I think I'm pregnant," we'd have a couple thousand available to us. BUT I don't have to think anymore! I can finally see the second line on the test without having to strain, so I KNOW I'm pregnant now!

I'm going into the doctor this morning to have a blood test done before I get put on the blood thinners, but at this point it's just a technicality. The other good news is that my insurance will cover the lovenox (1x day injection) so I don't have to settle for the heparin (2x day injection). I don't consider myself a squimish person, but given the option I'd rather just stick myself once rather than twice a day!

Oh and BTW, this should put my due date around the beginning of April, but they will probably take the baby around the end of March.

One thing to remember is to not wish us congratulations yet - it's not said and done until we have a healthy baby in our arms. Just wish us good luck!

-- Post From My iPhone

A ray of sunshine after the storm

2009-07-26T16:27:00.002-05:00

These past two weeks have been really rough on me. I haven't felt this down in the dumps for a long time - not since I was treated for clinical depression back in 2002. You may think that's odd considering I've had to go through two tragic events since then, but the feelings I had the past two weeks were different. I felt hopeless, helpless, and angry. When we lost our babies, I had and still have hope that we will be able to have more children. It was and is very painful to have lost our babies, but the hope helps to sustain me through the dark times.

I haven't blogged about what's been going on specifically the last two weeks because it was too raw and fresh for me to be able to do so. But I am finally seeing the light at the end of the very dark tunnel.

My husband and I got into an argument two weeks ago. Without going into too much detail, it was one of those age-old arguments about him helping out more to help relieve my stress. What initiated all of this was the fact that I was ovulating that day and feeling particularly scared about my current stress level along with bringing another baby into the picture without any sense of security that I would be able to handle it. I prodded my husband (not in the best way) for the answers I wanted - his willingness to help out more. I didn't get the answers I needed, and we ended up missing our opportunity at the ovulation period. I told him I didn't want to invest the emotional or physical time in another high risk pregnancy if my stress level is not going to be relieved. I wasn't trying to use this as a threat - just a simple statement of fact.

I knew I would have lots of fears once I was pregnant, but I never thought I would be one who was actually afraid of getting pregnant, and that is exactly what happened to me.

I found myself particularly down because this had changed how I viewed our marriage. I definitely want more children, but I was and am unwilling to do so at the expense of my own self. I looked to my husband for the answers I was seeking and did not find them. It made me question our marriage and our life together especially if I was going to have more kids with this man. And I couldn't see a way through this problem.

Then I went to the counselor last week and we talked about this argument and my fear of getting pregnant. The loss of our babies has created all this new baggage that I'm carrying around that is getting in the way of us getting pregnant now (at least that's how I view it), but we also have an underlying issue that has been there since the start.

You can read some of my thoughts on our past session on my previous blog post. She also recommended a book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I started reading it yesterday, and have taken great comfort and have a new sense of hope about our situation.

When we have had problems in our marriage, I have had the view that I can only control myself. When we had differing opinions on a matter, I would go along with what Kevin wanted to do and stuff the angry feelings down and keep trudging along at the same old ragged stressful pace. I would go along for the sake of the marriage and for peace in our household at the expense of myself. You can't keep that anger bottled up indefinitely; it will inevitable come spilling out in one form or another without productive results (as most assuredly happened with me). Besides that, I would still secretly wish and hope that Kevin would "see the light" and come around to my way of thinking.

What this book has showed me is that I have been sacrificing my identity to insulate any discomfort to Kevin and ultimately for the sake of our marriage. While I was correct in my view that you can only control yourself, I was going about it the wrong way. I should have been protecting my sense of self and refused to compromise on issues important to me. I should have put more faith in my marriage and in Kevin, and allowed it to be tested regardless if it caused discomfort to Kevin. The anger I have on particular issues is there for a reason. It alerts you that something is not in balance, but I should have directed it towards a different solution rather than trying to change Kevin's point of view.

I am pleased to report that I have already had success in this new method. Kevin offered the solution of hiring an aid for my daycare business to allow me time for other things, but he has said this is depended on our budget. I have decided that we will implement this plan of action because I need it for myself. We will have to make it work in our budget. In addition to this, I have also decided to hire a babysitter on my yoga nights while Kevin is at his football practice to make sure Savannah gets to bed at a decent hour for the upcoming school year. Funny thing is, my fear and anger didn't even let me process the fact that Kevin won't even be home to help out on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The issue of getting Savannah to bed at a particular hour was not very important to Kevin, but I've realized that I must make my own solutions for the issues that are important to me regardless of the discomfort I think it will cause Kevin. I calmly told Kevin how I am going to address this issue, and to my surprise he thought that was a good idea! I even have a babysitter lined up for next week already!

After coming out on the other side, I finally understand what the counselor was talking about that "growth is uncomfortable". I was not very comfortable these last couple weeks, but it was part of the process necessary for change. And I do deserve to be less stressed, I just need to find acceptable ways to fix the problems and let Kevin worry about his discomfort that may result from that. After all this, I feel fortunate to know that Kevin is still very much committed to our family, marriage, and me and is open to ideas to help make my life easier.

I should feel like I deserve...

2009-07-21T12:03:00.008-05:00

I met with a counselor last night, and I feel very melancholy today. I'm having myself a little pity party. I usually resist the urge to shower myself with one of these, but today I haven't had the motivation to resist. I apologize in advance for my scattered mumblings below.

I've been told that I should change the way I'm thinking from "I should do..." to "I deserve..." This is starting to become a reoccurring theme. My mother told me something similar last week.

This way of thinking is completely alien to me. I think I know the things that I deserve, but that doesn't mean I will get them. Why concentrate on what I deserve when it could be a fruitless effort? Why set myself up for unrealistic expectations and disappointment? I see it working like "fairness" in a way. As children we can remember telling our parents, "that's not fair", and you would hear the retort, "well life isn't fair". I never understood that concept until I was an adult. Life isn't fair, but you have to make the most out of what you have and the obstacles in your way. Just like fairness, deserving and reality are two very different things.

Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make the transition from "I should do..." to "I deserve..."

There are lots of things in life that I deserve, but are completely out of my control for obtaining. For example, I deserved to have my healthy living babies with me, but we saw what happened there... I also feel I must live with some of the choices I've made - that it's too late to turn back, and I may never get what I deserve (yes that is sufficiently vague for a reason).

Besides, who decides who deserves what? Do we all as human beings deserve the same things? Is there a sliding scale based on how good a person you are? Is there a grocery list of items that we all deserve? If so, where is this list, and how come I don't know about it?

My experiences have reinforced that the only things you have in life are the ones you "work" for. If you're not doing something to work towards that goal (as you should be doing), how can you get what you deserve? You make your own happiness in life, it's not going to just be handed to you on a silver platter just because you deserve it.

I find myself being resentful of people who seem to get the things they "deserve" without any effort. It seems so unfair to me (yes, I know life isn't fair), that they can get what they deserve without working for it as hard as I do. And yet, it seems no matter how hard I work, I can't get the things I deserve.

The counselor also informed me that growth is uncomfortable. I didn't realize until half-way through the session that I'm supposed to be growing here. I just hope it doesn't turn into the same disappointments I've faced in the past.

I feel guilty indulging myself in such self pity. I have lots to be thankful for in my life - a healthy child, a committed spouse, a nice house, a steady income. There are lots of people far less better off. Shouldn't I just be thankful for the good things I have in life instead of thinking about what I deserve (yes, I know this goes against the way I should be thinking - argg! there I go again!)

I realize I should (there's that word again) make an effort try out this new way of thought. Let's practice even if it doesn't feel genuine... I deserve to feel that I deserve to live with less stress and more happiness. Now, that wasn't so bad. Next step it to start working on making it feel real...

Due Date

2009-07-19T11:06:00.001-05:00

Well, today is Garrett's should-have-been/would-have-been due date. The events leading up to this outcome are ones I didn't expected but certainly feared.

In an alternate reality, I probably would be home with Garrett already. The doctors would have suggested that I be induced early, and I would have consented being fearful of a repeat unexplained stillbirth. I would have balled my eyes out with relief upon seeing our healthy, living baby boy. I should be exhausted, bleeding, resting, and recovering from the birth right now.

But instead we had an unexplained abruption far too early for his little brain to handle at 23 weeks. Instead of bringing home a baby this weekend, I brought home his matted and framed hospital death certificate. I'm still exhausted, not able to rest like I should, fully recovered (at least physically), and don't have any visible remnants of the pregnancy remaining. In fact, I'm in better shape than I was prior to any of my pregnancies (thanks to the daycare and yoga - which has been very healing BTW).

Moving forward, I tell myself that I can finally stop thinking, "It shouldn't be this way. I should still be pregnant!" But instead my thoughts move towards, "It shouldn't be this way! We should have 3 healthy children at home."

Will I ever be able to let go of that idea? Is that what grieving is about - accepting what cannot be? I don't feel I will ever be able to accept that I lost my babies, but I have and am still learning to live with the sorrow that comes from that loss. Will I be an old woman and still feel the ache in my heart? It saddens me to know that will probably be the case.

butterfly emerges and retreat ideas

2009-07-18T12:18:00.004-05:00

I went outside this morning to check on the last remaining cocoon, and to my delight, the butterfly had emerged and was waiting for his wings to dry!

As you can tell by the picture, the caterpillars have indeed striped my vine bare. They even began eating the sheathing around the stems. Most of the caterpillars have died because there is no food source left, so maybe it's a self correcting problem. I have been trying to be as "hands off" as possible so as to let nature take its intended course. We will see if the vine grows back after the abuse it took.

I also spoke with my yoga instructor today seeking advice on the retreat. She has put these things on in the past, and she suggested that we have a theme around the different activities offered. I'm thinking that our theme should be "toolbox for healing". Although "toolbox" sounds too masculine to me, maybe "ingredients for healing" or "recipes for healing". We'll have to work on that one, but she suggested that we focus our efforts around having activities and resources that people can take with them to continue the healing process after they go home.

I thought that was a great idea because everyone grieves differently and needs different ways to cope. I would like to give people different tools to choose from to help facilitate the process, hence the "toolbox for healing". I also think sharing your story and describing your emotions can be very healing for most women, so I also want to give plenty of time for women to just share the details and feelings of their experiences.

She also had a thought that crossed my mind as well - maybe we can get some of the area hospitals to help sponsor the event helping to reduce the cost. I'm definitely getting more excited about the retreat, and have plenty food for thought for now!

What are your thoughts out there in blog-land?

Retreat?

2009-07-14T21:45:00.007-05:00

Last week I ran across this post about an infant loss retreat on this blog I'm following. (BTW, check it out when you get a chance. She's a great writer with a dark sense of humor. She says all the stuff I'd love to say but am afraid to or not witty enough to think of.)

After reading the details, I was so excited and so very much wanted to go. I was even willing to purchase a plane ticket to Seattle on top of the $200-$300 for the retreat until I realized that I could possibly be pregnant at that time in October. My heart sank a little bit because I'm not willing to travel during my next pregnancies, and I've realized recently that I'm needing to be around people who truly understand the emotions I'm going through. I don't know if this is the next stage in my grieving or me slipping into some sort of mental illness, but I need to be around people who will allow me to talk as much as I want to about my experiences and my babies. The urge to talk about it in or out of context is so strong that I can't and don't want to control it sometimes (although there never really seems a time that the topic is out of context to me because everything seems to be a reminder recently). I've restrained myself as much as I can, but I'm not always successful or motivated to do so. I need to be able to talk as much as I need to without feeling guilty that I'm boring somebody or rubbing it in their face or ruining their good time. I need to talk to people who completely understand and want to hear my story even if I repeat the same details over and over like some pitiful, pathetic, mad woman.

Now, I should feel fortunate because since my losses I've randomly met two women who have been through similar situations. We've talked about our experiences, and I think we've bonded in a way that only women who have been through this can. It is refreshing to hear someone else's story and realize that they had and have the same emotions that you're having. You feel vindicated that you're not going crazy. When you start having thoughts and feelings that they described to you that you didn't fully understand at the time, you know that you are not alone in your grief when you start having those same thoughts. While this has been healing in a way, life does continue to go on, and you can't just go grab a cup of coffee and talk to your hearts content at the drop of a hat. I can see how having a weekend to get all these thoughts and feelings out might help one to feel more sane when you're around others who haven't been through the same experiences.

The work of grieving can be so isolating as well. However as women (like this one at mamapedia.com) we feel the need to share our experiences and talk with others who have been through the same thing. An event that lets you be with other women who have been through exactly what you have been through can be very healing.

Well, I had the bright idea this past weekend of putting on a retreat closer to home. I feel a little intimidated by the idea of organizing something like this, but how hard can it be, right? (I hope I'm not in over my head here...) When I first ran across the post about the retreat, I forwarded it to my friend Kimber who was very interested in it as well, but her daughter's birthday is that same weekend. I spoke with her on Monday asking if she'd like to help me organize it, and she said she had the same idea. I have some contacts with retreat organizing experience and services and even have a location in mind we might be able to use. I see this as a real possibility, and it makes me excited to be a part of something like this! My main concern is how do we get the word out and drum up the attendance we need to hold our little retreat? So this is the first place I'm starting. If you are reading this from "Blog Land" and would be interested in said retreat near the DFW or Southern Oklahoma area post a comment or shoot me an email at tigerlily.marie@gmail.com. Thanks and I hope to hear from you!

Cars and Butterflies

2009-07-13T14:50:00.005-05:00

I am very happy to report that we have a second car again! Yay! Thank you to everyone who has given and offered rides in the past and would have done so in the future. I'm very relieved that we don't have to depend on other people for rides anymore and that I have more freedom again! This will also greatly simplify and relieve stress on days when I have doctor appointments.

I also went out and checked my butterflies yesterday and noticed that some of the butterflies have emerged from their cocoons. I even noticed a visiting butterfly this morning. I estimate that it took about a week for them to morph. I'm disappointed I missed it, but there is currently one cocoon left and lots more caterpillars still on the vine. I just hope they don't strip my vine bare!

Now onto the next item of business - getting pregnant!

Preconception visit

2009-07-08T21:49:00.004-05:00

We went for our very first preconception visit today. Funny thing is that even though I have been pregnant 3 times before, I never attended a preconception appointment. Coincidentally, we were always able to get pregnant before scheduling the appointment. So this time, I thought I'd do it the way it was supposed to be done (visualize me rolling my eyes in a sarcastic gesture).

It was relatively uneventful. Dr. O (O for Obstetrician) did recommend I start taking a low dose aspirin from here on out for the MTHFR thrombophilia even while pregnant. So we stopped at a drug store on the way home and picked up a bottle.

But before our return trip home, we all made a stop at the Magic Time Machine for dinner since we were in the general vicinity. Savannah has been asking to go there for the past couple weeks, so we decided to surprise her with a visit. Nana and Papa joined us since they were gracious enough to give me a ride to the appointment (we only have one car currently, hopefully to be remedied shortly).

I thought it would be funny to share the following dialog that took place while Nana and Papa were entertaining Savannah during our appointment.

"Nana, I'm hungry. Can I have some more cookies?"
"No, sweetheart, we need to wait because we're going to get dinner soon right after mommy and daddy are done."
"Nana, where are we going?"
"That's a secret."
"You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!"

Here is a funny picture they took of all of us while we were eating. Those of you that know us IRL will appreciate it more fully. I know it's a simple photoshop job to swap faces, but it still gives me a chuckle to look at it. (Yes, I am easily entertained with simple pleasures... hehe)

Distractions

2009-07-05T17:17:00.006-05:00

My parents were kind enough to fly in from out of town at my request over the holiday weekend. It was a last minute request, and I am so thankful to them for spending the money and making the time to do so. I hated having to ask, but I felt I needed their presence to help sustain me during this time as my would-be due date approaches.

And true to form, my mother and I kept ourselves distracted and busy with various projects and tasks.

First item on the agenda included checking on our caterpillars! We went out on Friday and discovered our first cocoon. This picture is from Saturday when we found about 3 more.

Next we payed a visit to the local Hobby Lobby, and I enlisted my mom's help with deciding on framing choices for Garrett's hospital certificate and memorial card. We framed Sierra's along with some feet impressions after her passing, and even though it looks like I'm starting a collection of deceased baby memorabilia, I feel he deserves the same. Hopefully, this will be the last piece in this very sad collection.

The last order of business included replacing some dead plants in our little memorial garden, and here are the fruits of our labors.

After this very busy weekend I still feel heavy with sorrow. Even though distractions can be helpful with getting through one day to the next, it can make it difficult to actually deal with the emotions you're experiencing. After this weekend was all said and done, the oppressive sadness and stress are still there.

I've decided to seek out a support group or counselor to help me process the emotions I'm going through right now. My husband mentioned last night that he is looking into purchasing a cheap second car for us, and that will help relieve a lot of the logistical problems with making the meetings or appointments. I hope we can make it work because I think that will relieve a lot of my stress! I hate having to ask other people for help and assistance. I feel I'm taking advantage if I don't have something to offer in return. It would certainly make it a lot easier to make doctor appointments once I get pregnant again!

Mama Butterfly

2009-07-02T18:39:00.004-05:00

I went outside this evening to check on my caterpillars, and the mama butterfly decided to stop by for a visit! After a few minutes of watching her, I realized I should grab my camera. So I ran inside hoping she wasn't done visiting and was able to get some pictures. Now I must warn you that I am by no means a professional, and I did figure out how to take that annoying date stamp off!

I also read online that she lays one egg at a time. Here is a picture of some of her eggs. They are the yellow dots you see on the leaf.

Definitely a case of raging PMS

2009-07-02T10:05:00.002-05:00

I got the call back from my doctor's office, and the pregnancy test came back negative. I think Aunt Flow has also finally decided to pay me a visit. We will see if she decides to stay for the next couple days.

I have definitely been more emotional, but maybe my hormones are still trying to adjust after the end of the pregnancy.

I'm not really happy or sad after knowing the truth - just relieved to know! It looks like it was just a case of raging PMS. Shwooo, glad that's over for now!

-- Post From My iPhone

A fun discovery in the midst of waiting

2009-07-01T20:01:00.004-05:00

I went to the doctor today to have some blood drawn so they could determine if I'm pregnant or not. Aunt Flow has decided to delay her arrival further. The urine test at the doctor's office came back negative, and we will get the results from the blood test tomorrow morning.

I have been nervous about what the results could mean. If I am pregnant, is everything okay with the pregnancy? Why isn't a urine pregnancy test coming back positive? If I'm not pregnant, where the heck is my period? Am I broken? I can't get pregnant again without my cycles working properly!

The wait has been excruciating, and I have been trying to keep myself busy to make the time go by quicker and to ease the anxiety. In the midst of the anxiety, I discovered something fun this evening that has helped to provide some distraction.

Last week I went out to check our little memorial garden we planted in honor of Sierra and Garrett, and I noticed these strange little bugs on the passion vine. They were orange-ish in color and had black hairy spines all over their bodies. They looked very menacing, and I was instantly alarmed. It took me a moment to realize that they were probably caterpillars!

I was a little concerned that they might be a type of pest, so I went out again tonight to see how my vine was fairing and some of the caterpillars had doubled in size, I counted about 20 of them, and they were actively eating MY leaves! I decided to put modern technology to the test and Googled "caterpillars of North Texas". I was easily able to determine that these are Gulf Fritillary caterpillars and live only on the passion vine plant. Apparently, no other bugs can really eat these leaves except this caterpillar and other similar caterpillars, and the plant should be able to easily withstand the pruning session.

At Garrett's memorial, we released butterflies in his and Sierra's honor and planted this passion vine in the hopes of attracting butterflies. The lady at the nursery suggested this plant when we asked what might attract butterflies. I expected some lazy, flighty butterflies to float on by for a drink of nectar, sitting here or there, and flying off again. It completely goes against my expectations that these butterflies would start off as caterpillars on my plant! Even though this isn't what I expected, this is certainly more fun and has more significance! Our little passion vine is helping to grow a family of baby butterflies!

Here is a picture of what the butterflies will look like. We should have cocoons shortly! How exciting! Maybe there isn't enough excitement in my life (or maybe there's too much), but watching these little guys is such a fun way to pass the time!

Follow-up

2009-06-29T22:16:00.002-05:00

I feel the need this evening to follow up my last posts with some thoughts.

I read here that, "Approximately 44% of the population is heterozygous and another approximate 12% are homozygous for the MTHFR mutation." That seems like an awfully large percentage to me, and I doubt that many women have had the problems I've had. Maybe there are other factors in this MTHFR mutation that cause pregnancy loss that we just don't understand yet.

I also read on the March of Dimes site that, "There are no good estimates on the number of affected individuals in this country." I also read here that they won't even offer to test you for thrombophilias unless you've had a past blood clot (which I did not), or, "...a history of pregnancy complications, including two or more miscarriages, stillbirth or placental abruption due to undetermined causes," (which I obviously had). It's so sad though that I had to loose even one of our babies before tests would even be ordered to make this diagnosis. I know research is being done, and I hope someday soon there can be an easy way to screen all women for these potential complications.

Also, with the more that I read I am feeling more confident that it is the thrombophilia that caused the deaths of our babies. March of Dimes says that, "The thrombophilias also may contribute to pregnancy complications including fetal loss and placental abruption," (which I had one of each). I also learned that, "Pulmonary embolus is the leading cause of maternal death in the United States," and, "studies suggest that up to 80 percent of pregnant women who develop a pulmonary embolus or other VTE (venous thromboembolism) have an underlying thrombophilia." I would do anything for my children if it means saving their lives and nothing can make up for their deaths in my opinion, but maybe their deaths weren't completely in vain. Maybe with the awareness of my diagnosis due to their demise, they may have helped prevent my death caused by a VTE or pulmonary embolism. This is a rather morbid thought, but I know that even though we have been profoundly affected by the deaths of our babies, I know that my death would have a harsher impact on more people.

I would also like to say that maybe I was hasty in being so critical of my perinatologist on her not suggesting the Folgard (super duper folic acid and B complex vitamins) initially. Maybe I should take responsibility and view it more as a partnership and be glad that I found someone who is willing to take my concerns seriously rather than just dictating treatment especially with something that appears to be a new field of study. I have always considered myself an educated consumer, but paradoxically I have always struggled with being assertive in my concerns. I am always so concerned about offending someone, but I am learning to look out for my own best interest and the interests of my family. And I feel I made a big step in that direction today by educating myself and expressing my concerns to my doctor.

Waiting for Wednesday

2009-06-29T11:13:00.001-05:00

I called my doctor today regarding the delayed arrival of Aunt Flow. I will be going in Wednesday morning for a blood test to see if I'm pregnant. The urine test this morning came back negative again. I don't know how long it will take to get the results back, but you can be sure I will ask!

I also called my perinatologist regarding checking my homocysteine levels and a possible increase in my folic acid intake from the normal prenatal amounts. She said that it is her experience that even with normal homocysteine levels, you can still have problems, so she didn't think it was necessary to check my levels since we are already going to do the blood thinners.

She did think it was a good idea to increase my folic acid intake and called in a prescription for the super duper supplement. This is what I wanted anyway, so I didn't push the homocysteine issue. But my confidence has been lowered since I feel she should have thought of this initially. I'm not a medical professional; I can't be relied upon to think and research everything! Needless to say, I'm a little disappointed.

I also mentioned to her that we flew the day before I started bleeding and maybe that started everything in motion. She may be trying to alleviate some of my guilt, but said it probably didn't. But I'm still not going to take any chances next time!

-- Post From My iPhone

MTHFR and flying

2009-06-28T10:03:00.004-05:00

I ran across an interesting discussion board post this weekend that gave me chills (not the good kind). It was a lady discussing a similar clotting condition to mine but hers is more severe.

Bear with me while I provide some background on this particular clotting disorder.

I had a DNS analysis performed on the MTHFR (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase) gene a while back. When they perform the analysis, they are concerned with two different DNS sequence mutations - C677T and A1298C. It was determined that I am heterozygous for the A1298C mutation.

You receive chromosomes from both your mother and father when you are conceived, and both copies make up your genes. I received the mutation from either my mother or father, but only one faulty copy making me heterozygous as opposed to homozygous (two alike copies). You are not at increased risk for vascular diseases when you only have one of this particular copy, and I do not have the C677T mutation. Some individuals can be homozygous for both mutations, increasing their risk of vascular disease substantially.

From the research I've done online, this mutation can affect the amount of homocysteine in your body. It is the increase in homocysteine that can lead to an elevated risk for clots and vascular disease. But more applicable to pregnancy it can also interfere with B complex vitamin absorption and cause clots. Clots during pregnancy can interfere with how well the placenta works. As you may know the placenta is the baby's lifeline, and any interference can jepordize the baby's life unexpectedly and quickly.

Folic acid and the other B complex vitamins are important supplements to have before and during pregnancy to decrease risk of neural tube defects and other birth defects. Often times, women with elevated levels of homocysteine are prescribed blood thinners and special vitamins with huge amounts of the B complex vitamins to decrease homocysteine levels and increase the amount of the vitamins available in their bodies. This is to help reduce the risk of clots and birth defects.

I'm not sure why they don't screen for this with every woman who wants to be or is pregnant. It would seem like a simple way to reduce the risk of complications and fetal deaths. But I don't know enough about it to speculate on how common place or rare it may be, and it maybe a new field of study.

Another issue with clotting disorders (or thrombophilia) is that certain things can increase your risk for blood clots - birth control pills, sedentary activities, and flying in an airplane being the foremost on my mind.

The woman in the discussion board posted how she miscarried soon after flying. After I read this, my mind went back to how we had just come back from our trip to New Orleans in which we flew. We had arrived back home on Saturday, and Garrett was born the following Tuesday. I don't think this is coincidence considering I also started bleeding that Sunday following.

During my consult appointment with my perinatologist, I don't think I mentioned that we had just flew prior to the incident. I'm also thinking that my perinatologist did not check my homocysteine levels since this particular mutation is not supposed to affect that. But I am going to ask my doctor to check mine to make sure everything is kosher.

I also mentioned all this to my husband, and we were both in agreement that I will not be traveling next time I'm pregnant - no flying or road trips, period.

Results?

2009-06-27T05:51:00.000-05:00

I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas to arrive; well at this point hoping that it doesn't arrive if we're talking about Aunt Flow.

I woke up this morning at about 4:40am, and I swear I honestly DID have to pee (which I take as another good sign that I could be pregnant). So I went to pee into a cup and got my handy dandy dip stick out. I busied myself with some mundane task after checking the time and waited for the results.

After about 5 minutes I didn't see any indication of a positive test, and the same after 10 minutes. But after about 20 minutes (which I remind you is after the 10 minute recommended viewing period), I did see an obviously faint line. My husband would probably look at me crazy for saying there is obviously a line since to see it at all you have to kinda squint your eyes, get it at the correct angle, and don't look at it directly; but it was there!

I realize I could be imagining lines here, and it did appear after the valid timeframe, so I feel my test is still inconclusive. I did check the expiration date on the tests, and they say 7-2010, so that shouldn't be a problem, but they are older tests...

I did use up my last super duper sensitive test, but if my period is already late I should also be able to get a positive result with any OTC test, but I guess that really all depends on how much hCG I'm making. So I'm going to try to get some more sleep and wait at least until the sun comes up so people don't look at me crazy and go pick up some more tests for tomorrow. Here's hoping, and I'll keep you posted!

-- Post From My iPhone

a case of raging PMS?

2009-06-25T14:13:00.004-05:00

I have been feeling better since my last post. It's amazing how much better things look in the morning. I think the fact that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other helps to get me out of those ruts. I don't have the option of just pulling the covers over my head and shutting the world out no matter how much I might want to sometimes.

I also suspect the extreme moodiness and weepyness might be related to being pregnant or raging PMS. I haven't missed my period yet, but I took one of those uber sensitive pregnancy tests I ordered online that I had left over from last time. It measures 10 mlU/hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) which is one of the hormones produced when you're pregnant. The most sensitive you can get at the drug store will usually measure about 20 mlU/hCG.

Anyway, I took a test yesterday and today, and I swear I see a very faint line. It's so faint that I'm afraid I'm imagining it. You have to look at it cross-eyed to see it even! I know that it doesn't matter how dark the line is, if it's there you're pregnant. But I wouldn't bet the farm just yet because the line was most defintely more visible after the 10 minute recommended viewing period. So my brain doesn't want to believe it yet, but my heart does! Wouldn't it be so great to get pregnant so quickly without really even trying! I could skip the whole anxiously waiting prepregnancy anxiety stage!

I really want to be able to call my doctor and just have them do a blood test to check, but I'm trapped at home with the daycare. It's the only real frustration I have with the daycare - not being able to leave without extensive planning before hand. But if Aunt Flow hasn't arrived by Saturday, I'll take another test. I only have two left!

I'll keep you posted!

Fatigued

2009-06-23T00:58:00.001-05:00

I've been rather surprised by the intensity of the emotions I've been feeling recently. I've noticed myself becoming more emotional as Garrett's should-have-been due date draws closer. I wasn't sure how I would react as the date approached, but my emotional reaction to the reminder of how things should be and what should have been has surprised me.

In the past, similar dates with Sierra did not trigger emotions this intense so I was all the more surprised. I know that these emotions are normal, but I can't help but think that I'm not handling it as well as I should. I also know this is an irrational thought not only due to my perfectionist personality but also because I am comparing it to the previous loss. I would imagine the fact that I'm going through this again only compounds the emotional reaction.

I am also noticing myself becoming emotionally tired and cursing my stoic attitude. I am tired of being strong and handling things so well. And I don't feel as if I've been handling things so well recently. My emotional muscles are becoming fatigued, and they need a break. But how do you get a break from grief and the painful reminders?

-- Post From My iPhone

food as an art form

2009-06-19T13:45:00.003-05:00

I've always said that even though my daughter is the oldest child in my care, she is the messiest at meal times - messier even than the infant and toddler!

It might be because she brings a whole new meaning to "food as an art form"...

Everything happens for a reason...seriously?

2009-06-17T14:47:00.008-05:00

Today I was talking with my daycare licensing rep over the phone. She knew I was pregnant previously and at the end of the conversation asked how the baby was growing. I explained to her that I had a placental abruption, that our baby was born early, and we had allowed him to pass naturally due to severe brain bleeding.

It's the typical short response I give people when they ask, and usually people react in a similar fashion. A look of concern or pity comes across their face or in their voice, and they usually say they are sorry for our loss.

However, not everyone has this reaction, and I'm starting to find it interesting to gauge people's reaction when I tell them the news. I have a hypothesis that their reaction might be a reflection of the type of person they are. I can't be sure of this, and much more testing is needed before I can make a determination. I don't have enough data to speculate on what that reflection might mean yet either...perhaps maturity level or religious conviction?

But I digress. After I told my rep the news, I don't remember exactly what she said, but she didn't seem too concerned (maybe that's because she's a state daycare licensing rep trained to harden her heart), but I do remember her saying "blah, blah, blah, everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah". I didn't respond to her comment. I just told her that we will be trying again soon for another one.

I refuse to think that these things happen for a reason. The dust of my grief has settled and my spiritual views have been changed. Everyone needs to come to peace with what they believe, and I have done just that. It was not an easy path, and I still feel sorrow over the loss of my "Santa Clause", but it is now impossible for me to put my faith in a God or an existence of one. Not only would I be incredibly angry at this Being for what we have had to endure needlessly, but this anger would fester and be an incredible burden to have to bear. I've talked a little about this before, but I've also come to terms with the fact that there probably isn't an after life as well.

That doesn't mean my life or the lives of others are meaningless. On the contrary, I am learning to derive my meaning from life itself rather than through the existence of the hereafter. I am learning to be thankful for all the simple pleasures in life. I am learning to value and appreciate life so much more and see that life itself can give value to life rather than a higher being providing that value. In fact I regretted killing a fly today because of this new view! That rather surprised me. I know the fly did not feel sorrow or pain, but it's existence was snuffed out before it's time. Granted it probably only had a day or two more to go, but still!

The simple fact that we exist is a miracle. Miracle is not the right word though as it has too much religious connotation. Our existence is the winning outcome in an incredible game of chance. Why can't we value life based solely on how unlikely it could have even happened? I have become more appreciative and awed by what I see in nature as a result of my new view, and it has made me a more serene and peaceful person knowing nature is not perfect and that accidents do happen arbitrarily rather than for a reason.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

2009-06-11T13:56:00.008-05:00

"Busy, Busy, Busy," that is my new mantra.

This may sound absurd to some of the people that know me, but I came to the realization yesterday that I am a busy person. I wield a diaper and dishrag the same way corporate executives wield Blackberries and power suits. In fact, I may have less idle time than they do!

I didn't find myself frustrated after this realization, I felt proud for being able to keep it together and run things efficiently, and I gave myself a pat on the back.

I have always been limited on idle time, and I used to blame this on my husband. I've slowly realized it's not his fault, although granted if he did help out more it would leave me a little more idle time (and he has started helping out more which I am immensely grateful for), but I would still be short on idle time if he did help with the dishes, laundry, or cleaning toilets.

Unlike most corporate executives out there, I have a higher than average intelligence, and I know I will be able to win this rat race with my brains rather than "muscle". In fact, after my post about realizing I'm operating on a time deficit, my brain started to think of ways to arrange my evenings so I can have some downtime. I say "my brain" because I wasn't actively trying to find a solution, but it was kinda processing the problem in the background, and a solution presented itself.

I've already simplified things a lot prior to this realization, but I can also rearrange things so that I have enough sleep time on any given evening. But I've noticed that once I sit down at the computer (and work on stuff like this blog which incidentally will probably decrease to just one post a week after this), I loose track of time. I usually sit down to take a break, but that also means there are things left undone. Once I realize the late time, I start procrastinating because I don't want to do the work items and it starts getting really late, hence I've squandered some of my hard earned sleep time. So I've decided that I'm going to make the most out of this iPhone my husband talked me into getting. If an item on the computer can't be done on my iPhone or when the daycare kids are napping, it won't get done until the weekend. Also, if it's not important to me or someone I care about, it won't get done either, AND those things have to be prioritized accordingly. I have to treat my time like it's a valuable commodity and stop wasting it on things that don't add value to my life or the people in it.

Clearance!

2009-06-08T18:44:00.002-05:00

I have been very impatient over the idea of having to wait until the end of September before we can start trying again. Even though it seems so unfair to have to wait that long after being so prepared to have more children, we have been responsible. But I mentioned it to my husband this weekend, and he suggested that I give the doctor a call and find out what the risks are if we did get pregnant before our 6 months hiatus.

So...I spoke with my perinatologist today to get more information, and she gave us her blessing! She said as long as we are emotionally ready, we can start trying! I swear that's the best news I've heard all month!

My understanding is that the risk of getting pregnant too soon after a c-section is that it can cause a uterine rupture, but this is only a risk if you go into labor. We already know I will be having a scheduled c-section and have no history of pre-term labor, so I'm good to go!

We still need to get our finances in order so that we can afford an aid for the daycare; I still want to loose about 8 more postpartum pounds; and we need to schedule a preconception visit with my regular OB; but I couldn't be more excited! Woohoo!

Savannahisms

2009-06-06T07:44:00.004-05:00

While the content of my blog is very sad, I never actually wanted the tone to be. In reality, how can you write about the tragedy we've gone through without having a depressing tone? So to help lighten the mood, I've included some funny things Savannah (our first child) has said over her short 5 years.

Savannahneese - Translation
sunshine - sunscreen
muscley pieces - chess pieces
peanuts - penis (I run a daycare, and she's been curious about the little boys anatomy when I change their diapers)
china - vagina
shortcut - haircut
Clumsy - Kenzie (the name of a little girl I used to watch)
door nog - door knob
noodle - needle
pregnant marker - permanent marker

Savannah has talked about things she's seen on commercials. My husband has tried to reverse the brainwash by telling her commercials are for "buying things you don't need". When Savannah was asked on one occasion what commercials are for, she responded, "to get you to buy stuff you don't need, but I really want them!"

When I was pregnant with Sierra, I allowed Savannah to shine a flashlight at the bottom of my stomach to help turn Sierra from the breech position. When I was newly pregnant with Garrett and we told Savannah the good news, she remembered the flashlight and wanted to do this again. I told her it was too early and the baby did not have eyeballs yet to see with. She shot up from naptime a couple days later asking, "Does my baby have eyeballs yet?!"

I can also see my child developing her negotiating skills. We were having taquitos for lunch one day which are one of her favorite foods. She will usually ask me for two more taquitos after eating the ones I gave her. I will usually only let her have one more at a time to reduce waste if she doesn't eat it all. On one occasion, she took me unawares by asking for 3 taquitos. Before I could realize what she was doing, I said, "No, only two." She then happily proceeded to skip to the counter to grab her treat. It wasn't until after the words were out of my mouth that I realized I had been manipulated! I have to admit, I was more proud than embarrased that I had been out-negotiated by my 5 year old daughter.

Up for a rat race, anyone?

2009-06-06T06:48:00.009-05:00

This past weekend, I experienced some depression. This surprised me because I don't consider myself a doom-and-gloom type of person, and even though I didn't want to feel depressed I couldn't seem to shake it. I really think it was a combination of things related to the grieving process, lack of sleep, and stress.

The week following that weekend, I made it a priority to get to bed by 10:00 to help with the lack of sleep problem. I've noticed with myself that if I don't have the sleep I need, I feel less able to cope with stress and the emotions that result from that. Most nights I didn't make it by 10:00, but I consider it a work in progress. It wasn't from lack of trying though. I just can't seem to get everything done I need to get done within the time period allotted. Which leads me to my next point where it seems like all I do is work work work all day and night! I've often compared myself to other mothers with kids asking myself why they can seem to get some idle time in the evenings and I can't! I don't even get a chance to sit my butt down and watch anything on TV, so it's not like I'm being lazy and not making use of the time. There just aren't enough hours!

When talking about how much work I do on a nightly basis with others, I've often been asked the question, "what all do you do in the evenings?" I start listing the things that I typically do in an evening, "cook dinner, dishes, get Savannah ready for bed" and then I start drawing a blank and as I say them I realize that they don't really seem like they should add up to a lot. I ask myself, "am I just complaining to complain? Am I using my time inefficiently?" But upon discussing the problem with my husband I realized that there are only 24 hours in a day. I wake up at 6:00am and work until 5:30pm (11.5 hours - thank god I don't have a commute anymore!). If I want to get 8 hours of sleep, that leaves 4.5 hours in the evenings. Upon further investigation, I realized I do more than just cooking dinner (30 minutes), cleaning up (30 minutes), and getting Savannah ready for bed (30 minutes). Add to that the fact that we have to eat the dinner I cooked, (30 minutes), bathe myself daily (30 minutes), do laundry on various days (30 minutes), and yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays (1.5 hrs). If you've done the math, you realize I'm left with no (nada, zero, zilch) time for other small things that seem to popup and eat into my sleeping time.

WARNING: The following paragraph makes mention to my sex life. Even though nothing explicit is mentioned, if you would rather not know about it or pretend that I don't have one, STOP READING NOW and proceed to the next paragraph!

But I've realized that I can make it a priority to trudge along at this pace wideling away at the minutes to get more sleep, but it hasn't even left me any wiggle room for sex (which has always been a topic of conflict in my marriage). I am content to ignore my urges which isn't hard considering how tired I am (yes, Kevin, believe it or not I do still have the urge!). But that isn't healthy if you want emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage. My husband feels like I'm not making him enough of a priority, and maybe he's right, but I don't know what to reprioritize. I feel like there is a solution to the problem that will make everyone happy, but I can't quite see it yet. Our most recent attempt at the problem is to agree to make time for each other on certain days of the week. If I know ahead of time then I can plan accordingly, but we've not been completely successful with this yet either. Something will come up to eat up all my time on top of already being exhausted, and I'll either forget we were supposed to be intimate that night or shamefully I'll sneak off to bed. I worry that it will only get worse as we have more children and as they get older and involved in extracurricular activities which will eat up more of the evening hours.

It is safe to return to your regularly scheduled blog...

My husband has pressured me to start my own daycare center thinking this will decrease the number of hours I work during the day leaving more hours in the evening. But I would miss the aspects that I enjoy about running the daycare in my home if I did that. Plus I'm not sure that in reality it would really increase the time I have in the evenings, especially while I am working to get the business off the ground.

He has also suggested that I just not work at all, but neither of us are comfortable with this solution especially in light of the current state of our economy. Our experiences has led us to believe that a job is never safe from layoffs, cutbacks, politics, or any other motives. If he was the only income provider, lost his job, and couldn't find another one right away, it would be disasterous for our financial outlook. I am unwilling to take that risk right now.

After all of that, I'm still left with the question, "How can I win this rat race?!"

Bittersweet

2009-05-26T21:43:00.004-05:00

This past weekend was bittersweet. I've debated with myself if I should even make a post about it, but decided that it would help to heal some of the pain I've been feeling.

My sister was married. It was such a joyful occasion, and she married a great guy. This sounds cliche, but truly they seem almost made for each other. Everything went great, and I was so happy to be able to help make their wedding day absolutely fabulous.

But on the other hand, her wedding fell 2 months to the day after giving birth to Garrett prematurely. I can't help but remember that I was supposed to be 7 months pregnant. I was planning on being 7 months pregnant when my sister started planning everything. And upon reflection I realized I wanted to wear the maternity dress that wasn't very flattering. I wanted to be uncomfortable and tired and moody because I was pregnant. I wanted to ruin the symmetry of the wedding pictures with my big pregnant belly. I was planning on being able to revel in my gestational state and was going to enjoy every minute of it - the good and the bad.

But instead, I received many compliments on my definitely non-maternity dress, was completely comfortable (aside from the shoes that pinched), and wasn't moody in the least (although my husband might argue that point). The only thing that hinted at the recent pregnancy was the fact that my skirt was too big around the waist due to the fact that I've lost some postpartum inches and had to be altered at the last minute to accommodate. I was however exhausted, but that had nothing to do unfortunately with being pregnant.

My sister thanked me several times for being such a great help, but selfishly I didn't want to be able to be such a great help to my sister. I wanted to be incapacitated with pregnancy! I should have been incapacitated with pregnancy!

The reason I debated about whether I should post this is because I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I made every effort to keep my thoughts away from my sister and mother and even myself! This weekend was about my sister, and I didn't want to detract from that.

My sister and her new husband showed a slideshow of pictures during the reception. My recently departed grandmother was in one of the pictures, and I thought that was a nice tribute since she should have been there as well. But even if my sister wanted to, how would you pay tribute to a pregnancy and a baby that should still be?

Grieving invokes emotions of guilt over the emotions you have from the grief - a strange sort of irony, and this is no different. I feel guilt over the emotions I am experiencing as a result of my sister's wedding. I just want to be happy for her, but the reminder of what should have been makes me resentful. I don't want her to think it's her fault I've having to deal with these emotions, because it's not. I am faced with reminders everyday, and these are the new challenges I must face on this journey that has been laid out for me.

Injections? Who knew!

2009-05-18T14:12:00.003-05:00

I had an ad hoc consult appointment with the obstetrician that the perinatologist recommended today. It was completely unexpected since I was supposed to attend a workshop (which got canceled for the 3rd time, arrrgg!). I already had a sub watching the daycare so I thought I'd try to see if she had any openings, and low and behold something worked out for once, and she did!

I asked her all the hard questions like, "will you still see me if I'm late?" (Back story filler: My last OB's office made me reschedule my 20 week ultrasound because I was 20 minutes late. I know I was the one late, but come on folks, I've lost a baby! How insensitive can you be?! I even later found out that they have a 30 minute grace period! Now why wasn't I given that grace period at the time?) Among other questions, I also asked how will she manage my care and how will she be emotionally accommodating. She was very personable and willing to see me as often as I felt I needed to be seen. I did find out that the blood thinners are injections you have to give yourself in the abdomen (like insulin). The cheaper of the two drug options is a twice a day injection. The more expensive of the two (that insurance usually doesn't cover, go figure) is a once a day injection. It's funny how at one point in time I would have cringed at the thought of having to go through that for children, but now I see it as just a bump on the road to happiness.

I was also quite impressed with another patient who was waiting to be seen. They had accidentally told her the wrong day of her appointment, but they were still going to fit her in today. I doubt my old doctor's office would have done that.

After our meeting, I walked away from her office with a good feeling knowing that I have two very good doctors who seem genuinely concerned about my wellbeing and the wellbeing of our future babies.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T10:19:00.006-05:00

A few weeks ago I learned of an interesting story about a giraffe that killed herself after the stillbirth of her baby. I found this to be morbidly fascinating. She apparently kept ramming her horns into the earth until they reached through her skull into her brain. While I never had suicidal thoughts, I felt a sense of kinship with this animal because of our shared experiences. However, I've often wondered why her grief was so great she felt she could not go on living. Was it simply because she was an animal and did not have a greater understanding? Was it because she did not have the capability of being comforted by family and friends as we humans do? Was it because she did not have any children dependent on her to force her to continue? I've often reflected on this and wondered why this poor animal could only feel the hurt and not the love for her child and the hope to continue on.

Along a similar line a thought, a friend of mine who has gone through similar hardships told me about an epiphany she had. She said she realized that she will always be a woman who lost a baby. When she first told me this, I didn't understand why she felt this way. Even after my first loss, I did not want the tragedy to define who I was. I knew I would always miss my child, but I suppose I was hoping the birth of another baby would somehow mitigate the loss that I felt. But I also realized a few weeks later that it is a part of who I am, and it can never be changed, erased, or even mitigated with the birth of a healthy baby. It is not all of who I am, but it will always be with me and has influenced who I am and who I will be. I will always mourn the loss of our babies even when I'm old and gray. The pain I feel is because I love my children so much. I am so thankful for the short time we had with them, and I would never trade that for anything. I am reminded of a quote by Alfred Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Today was also Mother's Day. This can be a painful reminder for women (such as this one from Mamapedia) who have lost a child and especially hard for women who have lost their first child and have no other children. Thankfully I already had a healthy child at the time of our loss, but I would imagine women who have no other children would question if they can even call themselves a mother at all and may feel that they have no right to be honored as one.

The Mother's Day after our first loss I learned that Mother's Day in America was declared a national holiday in 1914 to honor mothers who sons had died in World War I. The holiday was intended to provide comfort and solace to mothers who have lost their children and to honor their sacrifices. Mothers who have experienced a loss can feel comforted knowing that the spirit of the holiday was originally intended for women just like us who have experienced a loss. We can feel comfort in knowing we are more entitled to this holiday than we are led to believe by the commercialized propaganda. It is nice to receive flowers, and cards, and jewelry, but Anna Jarvis, who initially lobbied to have the holiday honored, fought to keep it from being commercialized.

In closing I'd like to leave you with a quote a friend sent me shortly after our 2nd loss that has been especially comforting, "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love." -Mother Theresa

Answers

2009-05-08T14:14:00.003-05:00

I heard back from the perinatologist today. She received the lab results and looked over my operation report.

Basically, I did have a placental abruption. The labor I experienced was triggered by the abruption. My doctor informed me that there is no way to stop an abruption as opposed to pre-term labor which can be managed. In an odd way, this provides me with a sense of comfort knowing that if the doctor had me come in right away when the bleeding started, there is nothing they would have been able to do. I am thankful I came in while Garrett was still alive so we could have the time with him that we did. If we were delayed at all, he may have been stillborn as well.

I had wrestled with myself if I wanted to pursue a lawsuit with what happened with Garrett. I eventually decided that it wasn't worth the gain. I also knew that I was probably trying to place the blame from my grief somewhere. It wasn't going to bring my baby back, and it would just be a lot of work (like I don't have enough already). Hearing this news reinforces what I had already decided.

The doctor also informed me that the lab work indicates that I have a mutation related to thrombophilia (clotting disorder). It is an insignificant mutation in that it doesn't manifest any symptoms in myself and won't increase my risk for vascular disorders. However, she feels confident that this is what caused our unexplained stillbirth and the placental abruption. Good news is I can be treated with blood thinners when I'm pregnant again!

The other good news is I probably won't need to go on bedrest to prevent preterm labor. I certainly would have done it and will still do it if necessary, but I wasn't looking forward to that prospect.

Now that we seem to know the answers (which still seems too good to be true even as I write this), it saddens me that we had to loose two babies before we could know about any of this. I am still anxious about this and all the other possible problems that could happen during subsequent pregnancies. My doctor is going to monitor me very closely during my next pregnancies and have me come in every 3 weeks for ultrasounds and then every week during my last trimester. It will be a lot of doctor appointments but well worth it!

Now all we need to do is "patiently" wait the 6 months before we can start trying again...

Ignorance and Trust

2009-05-06T21:36:00.003-05:00

During my past pregnancies, I've always steadfastly held to the conviction that I did not want to learn about all the things that could go wrong. I reasoned with myself that there is bliss in ignorance. If I didn't know what could go wrong, I wouldn't have to spend time worrying about something that probably wasn't going to happen anyway (at least not happen to me I used to think smugly). Besides, the doctors would tell me if something was wrong, and we would cross that bridge if we needed to.

But then the unthinkable happened, and our 2nd daughter's heart stopped beating for unknown reasons 2 weeks from her due date, and she was stillborn.

I still maintained my choice of ignorance during my subsequent and 3rd pregnancy, and then the unthinkable happened again. Our first son was born too early at 23 weeks probably as a result of placental abruption but also for unknown reasons.

I came to a realization today that maybe if I start researching all the horrible possibilities, and our next child or I end up having a problem, maybe we can prevent the unthinkable from happening again. I then quickly realized that trying to educate myself on everything that could possibly go wrong is probably not a healthy pursuit unless I was pursuing a medical degree. I also realized then that not only have I lost my trust in "God", but I have also lost my trust in the medical community.

Up until this point, I have always leaned heavily toward a preference for natural child birth. I believed that our bodies were made to give birth to babies, and as long as you don't try to interfere too much in the wrong way everything usually works out great. I still believe this is the case for most women, but even if my choice for natural child birth hadn't been taken away from me, ironically I would still want every medical intervention necessary (and maybe the unnecessary ones too) for my next pregnancies.

To keep myself from feeling like I'm going to be consumed by the fear, I want to feel in control of the situation. But I'm not sure there is anything I really can do to make sure everything turns out how I want it. The only way I know how to feel in control is to let go and relinquish control. So I have made a choice to continue my ignorance (within reason) and to put my trust back in nature and the medical community. If something should go against our expectations, we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Loss of My Religion

2009-05-05T00:20:00.002-05:00

I wish I could let myself be comforted by religion and spirituality. Honestly at this point, any religion would suffice. It would be so easy to just be able to believe and have faith in those ideas.

But I feel that I have crossed this threshold where I will never be able to get that comfort I used to have from religion. Just as when you were a child and found out there is no Santa Clause or Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy, you want so much to still believe that they are real. But the reality of knowing they are just stories cannot be ignored; you see how they cannot be real; and you know it's true. As a child, this maybe your first simple experience with grief, and just as with grief you are saddened and angered by the loss of the idea. Once the deception is erased and the truth revealed, you will never be able to get that innocence back.

I find myself drawing an interesting parallel between my loss of religion and the loss of my children. Just as I lost my idea of "Santa Clause", I have also lost my naivety in pregnancy. I can never get that innocence back, and I envy others who can go through their whole life and never know what risk they are facing when they have their children. I had that innocence in my first pregnancy, and I look back at it in amazement. I would receive congratulations on my new baby before she was even born! I never found that to be odd until after our first loss. When people would offer their congratulations when I was pregnant again, I would think, "How can you congratulate me when the baby's not here yet?" I'm not a superstitious person, but it almost felt like bad luck or a jinx. I remember reading an article a woman wrote about her experience loosing her baby to birth defects. She writes that pregnancy is not a guarantee of life but rather hope of one. I wish more people would see it this way and really appreciate the gift and miracle they have been privileged with.

Our first meeting with the new perinatologist

2009-04-29T21:41:00.008-05:00

Kevin and I met with the perinatologist today. (If you don't know, a perinatologist is just a fancy term for "high-risk pregnancy doctor".) I still feel optimistic after meeting with her, and I think she will do a very good job of monitoring me closely and being emotionally supportive as well. We did hear some news that was a little bit of a let down but certainly not a deal breaker.

The doctor's opinion based on the evidence she's seen is that the past two pregnancy losses could be related and maybe due to a clotting disorder. She ordered a slew of blood tests in which I had to give half a pint of blood practically. I only lost about a liter of blood during the c-section so I guess a little bit more won't hurt. If any of these tests come back positive, then I can simply prevent this again by taking blood thinners during the pregnancy to prevent clot formations.

The other possibility is that I went into pre-term labor and did not in fact have a placental abruption. The bleeding that I experienced initially could have been related to my cervix opening rapidly rather than the placenta detaching itself prematurely. I see this as being quite possible since all my labors have been very short (and very painful I might add). We can try to prevent the pre-term labor next time with progesterone shots on a regular basis along with monitoring my cervix closely via ultrasound.

I have been instructed to request my post-operative notes from my last c-section so that the doctor can read the surgeon's report on my uterus and placenta during and immediately following the surgery. This will give her clues as to whether the placenta was already detached and/or had clots or other issues and thus indicating an abruption or not.

So right now we are waiting on the lab results from the blood tests and the post-operative notes from Labor & Deliver at the hospital, and we will go from there.

We of course had many other questions we asked the doctor, but the one we were most anxious to hear the answer to is, "when can we start trying again?" And we will need to wait at least 6 months because I had a classical c-section and need more time to heal. We were pretty let down when we heard this, but at least we have the option of trying again. It could be worse.

To end on a positive note, I do have a funny story to share. On my way to taking Kevin back to work (since we only have one car), we were rehashing what we had talked about with the doctor, and Kevin was reflecting back on my birth experience with my last pregnancy. He mentioned that when they did the internal exam after I came into triage, the resident called out, "her cervix is gone!" Kevin admitted to me that his initial thoughts at the time were, "well, where did it go? did it just fall out?" Upon hearing his perspective and because I have a skewed sense of humor, I start laughing uncontrollably. (If you don't know why that's funny then you need to become familiar with the female anatomy and what happens in labor). Bless his heart, his willful ignorance on the matter is one reason I've always had doulas for my births in the past.

After-life?

2009-04-27T13:16:00.003-05:00

The experiences of loosing my babies has broken my faith. I do believe there is something out there that created our existence. It would be too happenstance for it to all be an accident. However, if I believed in a God as the majority of people think of one, I would be very angry with Him (or Her, or It, or Them). I was willing to forgive this God the first time it happened, but I don't believe He is involved in our daily lives to have prevented it a second time. The only good and comfort I've seen come out of these situations is because of what people did, not what God did.

These experiences and especially the loss of our second baby has also made me question the idea of an after-life. Specifically, I have questioned if there is one at all. Does our consciousness continue on? Will all the answers be revealed to us? Is there a Heaven and a Hell?

At first the thought of our existence being snuffed out like a candle evoked emotions of panic. How will I get the answers I want? How will I see my family and friends? How will I be eternally happy? But the more I thought about it, I realized it wouldn't be so bad really. If it was like falling asleep with no awareness, we wouldn't care if there was nothing else left.

It also made me realize that we need to make the most of our time here with the people we love while we are living. We should go places and do things and take risks with these people. Strangely, thinking of death in this new light has provided me with some comfort. I have resolved to make the most of the time that I have here and to live my life so that I don't have any regrets. Regardless if there is an after-life, it cannot be experienced as we are experiencing life on Earth, and we need to make the most of our time here.

These thoughts crossed my mind again as I learned today that my grandmother passed away this morning. It was not completely unexpected, but we were hoping for her to make a recovery and have more time with us. I don't know if our spirit, or soul, or consciousness lives on somewhere, but if it does I do know that my grandmother and my other family she has joined will look after my 2 babies until and if we can be with them again.

Wikipedia

2009-04-26T12:05:00.007-05:00

I've always believed that knowledge is power. The more you know about something, the better able you are to make an educated decision and thus more likely to have the outcome you'd like.

I've also always prided myself on researching a topic thoroughly before deciding a course of action, and pregnancy and childbirth have been no different. When I became pregnant for the first time in 2003, I bought all the classic pregnancy books and then some. I read each one word for word and followed along each month as my pregnancy progressed. I took Bradley classes and started eating correctly and exercising. I asked my doctor how he handled labor and delivery, didn't like his answers, and switched to a midwife instead. Thankfully and maybe luckily, my pregnancy was uneventful and we were blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Looking back on my last 2 pregnancies, I don't feel I had enough knowledge to prevent what happened. Whenever anything goes wrong in my life no matter how big or small, I always look back on the experience and ask myself, "what could I have done differently to have prevented that?" And then I file it away and pull it out again if needed for similar situations. So naturally, my inclination is to ask myself after this recent tragedy, "could I have done anything differently?"

Today I found myself on wikipedia looking up the terms "stillbirth" and "placental abruption". Why did these things happen to me? I combed the articles for clues. I found factors that increase your risk - none of which I had. Then I came to symptoms of placental abruption, and I had all of these. If I had only known that things were more serious, I would have insisted that I be seen right away.

But aside from all that, I shouldn't have had to have done anything differently. My doctor's office should have seen the signs and had me come in immediately when I called the first time. They should have emphasized the warning signs to look for at every single prenatal visit. How are you supposed to know something's wrong if you aren't educated about it? Isn't this why all the literature emphasizes getting proper prenatal care? Isn't it supposed to prevent stuff like this? I feel like the system (or maybe only this doctor's office) failed me and my baby.

I consider myself an educated woman, so if I don't know the answers I know how to get them. These experiences have left me with only questions that I will probably never be able to get the answers to. All I'm left with is the feeling that our current system of prenatal care is certainly not the answer.

Abstract art

2009-04-25T10:52:00.004-05:00

Do you ever have episodes of deja vu where a thought, event, or action tickles the edges of your memory seeming to have happened before in a dream, past life, or alternate universe? I've noticed these episodes in my life seem to be coupled with crossroad decisions or subjects of great importance (well important to me anyway).

I had one such episode this morning when I was thinking of something while trying to procrastinate getting out of bed, but then my daughter walked in the room and wanted to show me something that she had "created". Her creations in the the past have included burnt microwave popcorn, artwork involving scissors and a scattering of microscopic clippings, sculptures involving every toy in the house, abstract drawings involving a banana and the wall as the canvas, and incinerated hot chocolate (which resulted in a small fire in the microwave).

So naturally, her use of the word "created" always sends a wave of panic through me and made my mind expunged the thought as an act of self-preservation to my worldly property. The creation this morning was only a minor affair involving random clutter used to bar the top of the stairs.

Oh well, such is the life of a mother (that I wouldn't trade for anything). As my mother used to say, "if it is important, the thought will come back to you."

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-04-23T21:50:00.001-05:00

Today I received my records from my OB's office and setup a consult appointment with my potentially new perinatologist.

With the last 2 pregnancy experiences ending in loss at this same office (in addition to other reasons resulting in dissatisfaction), I decided I need a new doctor.

I understand that the cause of 50% of all stillbirths are unexplained. I understand that we do not yet fully understand the causes for placental abruption. But there has to be something wrong with me for this to happen twice, and I want answers so I don't have to go through this again. I'm not getting any younger, and we want more living and healthy children!

In reality I don't expect to ever get those answers, but I do want someone who will watch me very closely and be as concerned about my developing baby as I am while also being emotionally accommodating. I didn't get that sense of concern for my baby from my old doctor's office, and they certainly weren't emotionally accommodating. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until it was too late.

Should they have handled things differently? Maybe. Would it have allowed my child to stay inside me longer to develop more fully first before being born? We hope this potentially new perinatologist will be able to answer these questions.